I finished the first painting in my Thomas Jefferson High School series. It is a turret that has some cool decorative elements to it. I also tried to add some clouds to the sky, which is not something I normally focus on. Although I’m happy with how these turned out I’d still like to get better at painting them. Practice, practice, practice.
I’m getting a lot out of reading The War of Art. It is just what I needed right now. I’m looking at my character flaws these days and to sum up what I’m seeing is: immature. I am struggling to grow up and act like an adult. For so long I’ve felt like a kid trying to do adult things and although I don’t chastise myself for being immature, it’s not something I want to carry with me.
Steven Pressfield, in The War of Art, talks a lot about the differences between the professional and the amateur. To me it sounds a lot like the child and the adult. He says that the amateur thinks about the victory while the professional just does the work, believing success will come in its own time and in its own way. The amateur is making art for the glorification, while the professional is making art just because he or she wants to. It is the professional’s chosen vocation and the professional commits to that.
Yesterday in the podcast I listened to, the guest talked about how people have lost their sense of purpose. He claims that now that we understand that we’re just ‘activated matter’, we’re just a bunch of atoms bouncing around, people don’t know how to find meaning and purpose. In his opinion, purpose is something we need to decide. It’s just something we need to chose for ourselves. I make art, and that matters. I’m a painter, and painters matter. Writers and writing matter, so I matter.
When I first heard that suggestion I thought, No, I need to be told I matter. But then I realized that that’s what a child would do. Children need to be mirrored. They need to be esteemed. But adults are responsible for our own confidence. We’re responsible for telling ourselves that we matter, and that what we do with our lives matter. If you grew up hearing that you’re a burden or a pain in the butt, or you grew up being abused (ie, treated like you’re worthless) it can be nearly impossible to esteem oneself. But it doesn’t change the fact that as an adult, it’s no one’s job but ours to decide we’re enough.
So thinking of myself as either behaving like and amateur or a professional is very helpful. I’ve been an amateur far too long. I’ve held back from making art because I didn’t want to do it until I was good. I’m afraid to share my writing because… well, what if it’s not good enough? The amateur needs to be esteemed while the professional simply commits to a vocation and sticks with it. I feel as if that is the corner I’ve been turning over the past year. On one hand it happened over night, but on the other hand, on the emotional and psychological hand, it’s been a process and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.