Daily Habits

When I started painting and writing a year ago I had expectations. I knew there wasn’t a clear path to success for either profession but I still had expectations. I thought I was reaching for something, a goal - a published book or gallery representation - but what I’m learning is that it’s all about the process. 

I’ve been hearing this in spiritual circles for years: the joy is in the journey. And it took me a long time to give up my need for measurable results and instant gratification. But I practiced daily - prayer, meditation, journal writing, reflection - and after a while I started to see the impact of living a spiritual life. Now it seems like the joy is in the journey when it comes to business as well.

I hear so many people say that when they started to focus on habits and keeping track of their time they started to experience success in their careers. Writers commit to writing for two hours a day, painters as well, and they let go of the rest. They wait for inspiration. They focus on the work and make it the number one priority.

Steven Pressfield’s book The War of Art came at the right time for me. Being reminded that my daily routine is what makes me a writer or not, that not worrying about what happens to the manuscript, or the finished painting frees me to actually be creative has been uplifting. If I’m thinking and talking about writing or painting and avoiding the actual work, I’m probably not going to get anywhere. 

Last week I started keeping a time log. I keep track of everything I do in a day so that I know how I’m spending my time. I thought I was pretty productive before, but after keeping my log I find myself fitting in even more important actions each day. I’m not running around stressed out. I’m actually enjoying my days. But I’m letting go of the confusion and indecision about what to do next. I make a list of income producing action steps and I choose which one to focus on for the next hour. 

I am currently focused on standing in front of the easel putting paint on canvas, writing (creative), blogging, reading (both non-fiction geared towards writing and creative success, and fiction), editing videos for YouTube, and drawing. When I have an open hour I pick one action steps and set the timer.

Sometimes I need to do other things like research, numbers, or take care of other business needs, but most days I focus on being creative. Sometimes when I’m painting I listen to podcasts and often, like today, I listen to podcasts focused on helping creative people succeed. It might seem obsessive but for me it’s inspiring.

I don’t always get excited about marketing and selling my work, but lately I’ve been asking myself, What would someone who’s successful at sales and marketing do? and I try and do that. It does’t come to me naturally. I’m more reserved and observant. People I know who are successful at sales are more extroverted and on-the-field as they say. I’m more of a spectator, which is why I think I’m drawn to writing.

So today I’m letting go of expectations and realizing that I’m learning about the work I’m doing, learning about the industries I’m in, one day at a time. Today I’m focused on my daily routine, my work habits, and how I spend my time. I’m constantly asking the Universe, my inner Self, my guides, Higher Power, what can I do next? Lead the way and I’ll follow. We’ll see what happens in the next year. I’m sure there will be many new discoveries along the way.

Don't Assume the Worst

I’m always amazed at how my mind works. I talked to the owner of a coffee shop a few weeks ago about hanging my artwork there. He was really enthusiastic but he said he has a guy who organizes the artists and he needed to check with him first. I didn’t hear from him for several days so I sent him a text but didn’t hear back. I waited, and a couple of days later I stopped in to see him. He apologized for not being in touch and was still enthusiastic about my work. He ended up telling me to hang it whenever I’m ready.

In my head though, I had almost created something toxic and crushing. I guess it’s habit, I don’t know, but I was thinking the worst of this man who has been nothing but kind to me. When I didn’t hear from him I was upset and confused, I was certain that I would ‘lose out’ and not get the opportunity to hang my work after all. I assumed that he was avoiding telling me he changed his mind or that it just wasn’t going to work out. 

A good friend of mine pointed this out to me a few years ago. I was running something over with her, something that I was upset about, and she said, You’re assuming the worst. I was a bit taken aback but when I thought about it I realized she was right. I didn’t have enough information to make a decision about what was happening and instead of asking questions, instead of confronting people and inquiring about what they were thinking and feeling, I assumed the worst. I went to the worst-case-scenario.

Tomorrow I’m going to hang my work at the coffee shop, Panaderia Jimenez. I’m hanging the paintings of Thomas Jefferson High School that I’ve been working on over the past several months. I’m also making prints available on my Etsy shop. So, tomorrow’s a big day. I think I’m getting a feel for being a professional artist. Things happen in bursts. It’s kind of a feast or famine profession.

I’ve got a small list of things I need to do today to get things ready. Nothing big, but I don’t want to be running around tomorrow panicked. There’s nothing worse than being unprepared and frazzled. So today I’ll make sure the paintings have wires on the back and that I have title/price cards. I have a bio from when I hung work last fall that I will reuse and I’ll also hang my flyers (see if I can get some commissions).

There are several other places around town where I can hang my work. My goal is to get my work hung as much as possible this year. I made more last year than I initially realized and that has me feeling more confident. I’ve been putting things together for my accountant and it’s lifted my spirits. But this thing I do about assuming the worst is a lack of faith. I’m not believing in myself or in others and that’s something I want to change. It will only make this and uphill battle.

New Mindset

Have you ever taken steps to make a change and no matter how hard you try you just don’t get there? That’s where I am today. I have been trying to get commissions, trying to hang my artwork, trying to find a literary agent, and it just feels like nothing is panning out. I need new ideas or inspiration or something. I talked to the owner of a coffee shop Friday and he was really positive about hanging my work. But, he needed to talk to his guy who organizes the artists and artwork first. Made sense. I haven’t heard from him so this morning I texted and haven’t heard back. Now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m getting ghosted.

I haven’t had anyone tell me that my paintings are bad. Most people are really supportive and encouraging, so I don’t think the problem is that I’m not good enough. I know everyone has their own opinions, but when I do a commission, people are usually satisfied if not excited. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe it’s my attitude. Maybe it’s something I’m projecting that’s keeping this from working.

I have been learning a lot about sales and marketing over the past year and I’ll be honest, it’s not my thing. It has never resonated with me, but I’ve chosen a career that requires it so I need to figure out how to like it, or at least pretend to. I’m sure that is a big part of why I’m not doing well. It’s hard for me to fake it.

That’s where new ideas and inspiration come in. How can I loosen up? How can I be more positive about myself and my work? How can I assure perspective clients that what they’re getting is a good deal? That anyone would want a piece of artwork by me? I guess the trick is figuring out how to like myself more and like what I do more.

I’ve had people read my manuscripts and they’ve been positive. One friend said she cried at the end. The other said when she got to the second half of the book she couldn’t put it down. I knew she enjoyed it and that made me happy. But for some reason I can’t get a literary agent to read it. Again, I start to wonder about myself. Is my query letter convincing? Am I selling myself? Or am I doing a half-assed job?

I think the answer is obvious. 

I’d like to change my attitude. One positive note is that I haven’t considered giving up. I’m hitting walls, but I’m not throwing in the towel. I can figure this out. Like a lot of things it’s a process of self-discovery. Ultimately, as an artist, I’m not selling my work, I’m selling myself. I’m selling a piece of myself, an expression of myself, and that’s what I need to believe in. That’s what I need to tell people is worth it. At the same time, that’s what’s difficult. I don’t like tooting my own horn and I don’t like bragging about myself. Even being confident sometimes feels like cockiness. But business isn’t about staying small. It’s about carving out space for yourself and saying you deserve it.

Potential

Growing up I was often told, “You have potential.” It was usually followed up with, If you only cared more, If you worked harder, If you were more focused. It was confusing. Deep down I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t getting good grades or improving in sports. I too wanted to see myself achieve things, and the fact that I wasn’t seemed like a mystery to everyone, including myself, and the only solution offered was: be more, do more, which sounds a lot like, You’re not enough. 

I realized over the weekend that I have looked at myself as my potential as opposed to seeing myself for who I’ve actually been. I’ve used my ‘potential’ as my credential, as in, “You may be a doctor, but I have potential.”

It was pretty humbling to see this. I love a good epiphany, but sometimes they hurt. The truth is that I spent a lot of years coping and surviving. I spent a lot of my childhood like a deer in headlights, shocked and frozen. I was so overwhelmed with the things going on in my life that achievement was something I couldn’t really focus on. If it got done, that was enough.

So now what? Now that I’ve had this insight, what do I do with it? For starters I stop judging myself and others by their achievements. I can admire someone for what they’ve accomplished, but I can also acknowledge that I don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. I don’t know what people are up against and why their lives look the way they do. And, I can also forgive myself.

It’s a relief to be able to let go of the past. I have spent the past year and a half trying to look back and uncover clues as to who I am and how I got here. I know there were a lot of people in my life who wanted me to do well, to be happy and to feel good about myself. It wasn’t up to them to raise me perfectly or to know the inner working of my psyche. I think part of being a responsible adult is taking an inventory. Who am I? What makes me tick? It’s not just about achievements or credentials. 

Over the weekend I was listening to someone talk about her business and her relationships and I became judgmental and afraid. It was one of those, You spot it, you got it moments when you’re triggered by someone who’s exactly like you. It was tough. 

I want to be someone specific. I want to be someone who fits in and is highly regarded whether it’s based in the truth or not. I want to be respected and sometimes, without realizing it, I get into the habit of acting respectable. That's not necessarily bad, but when I’m doing it, I’m not acting authentic. I’m putting on a show, thinking I really got people in the palm of my hand. But what if I just acted authentically and that turned out to be respectable?

There’s nothing I can do if someone doesn’t like me. There’s nothing I can do if someone doesn’t respect me or hold me in high regard. I’m powerless over others. I have been fighting against that my entire life, terrified of rejection and condescension. But I’m learning to let go. I may be someone who hasn’t lived up to their potential. Or I may be someone who’d done just fine and is still growing and learning (creating and achieving). I don’t have to use my potential, some arbitrary, made-up thing, to make myself look better than I am. And I don’t have to use it as a way to punish myself for not making others satisfied.

One Artist's Opinion

Yesterday I was working on a video for my YouTube channel and I had an insight. I was exploring whether emotions make you a better artist. 

What makes an artist great? What makes art itself great? Where does creativity come from? 

When I was younger and struggling with emotional stability and mental health, making art, when I did it, brought relief. It was satisfying to channel my emotions in to what I was doing. As I’ve healed emotionally and my life has become more stable and predictable, making art has lost that ability to heal or provide immediate relief.

But not all has been lost. As I’ve been able to be more regimented in my daily routine, setting aside time each day for different creative tasks, I’ve noticed that while I channel less distress and upset into what I’m doing, I find myself channeling things from a place I’m not always aware of. It’s as if I’m allowing creative energy to work through me rather than focus my emotional energy into my work.

I still don’t know what makes and artist great or what makes great art, but as an artist I love hearing advice from other creatives to just make art. Just do the work. That’s really helpful to me. It reminds me a lot of my meditation practice and how important it is to sit every day. Pick at time and sit rather than sitting when it suits you.

At the beginning of my meditation practice it was heard to sit for an hour and watch my mind wander. I would get tired of bringing my awareness back to my breath and I would wonder if what I was doing was worth it. But then I would have that day. I would have a day where the gong would go off or the chanting would start and I would think, Wow. There’s no way to really describe what I feel in those moments except, Wow. Sometimes mediation is indescribable in it’s ability to calm, not only my mind, but my body and spirit as well. And those are the moments when all those days of struggle are worth it.

That’s how I feel about art too. I have been standing in front of an easel every work day for the past year. I did a lot of painting before that but never with the regularity of the past year. I also sit in front of the computer and write every work day. I have been doing that for the better part of of the past four years. I work, usually at the same time every day and plug away at what I’m doing. And most days it’s routine. Most days I walk away satisfied or happy with what I’ve done. But then, every once in a while there’s that day when I walk away grateful that something in me had me stick to a routine. It’s like meditation. Can I let go? Can I, as they say in 12-step programs, Let Go and Let God? That is not only the ultimate question for a spiritual practice, but for me it’s the ultimate question for a creative practice as well. Can I let go and allow something though from a deeper place? It only happens with practice. While spontaneity is great, regular practice it better.

Epiphany

I was listening to a podcast earlier in the week and it’s been on my mind since. It was an interview of Brene Brown and she was talking about feelings. She said to be careful what emotions you claim to be feeling. In the past she would exclaim that she was overwhelmed, but through the years, with her research, she found that what she was actually feeling was stress. She discovered that overwhelm causes people to shut down. When you’re overwhelmed you become a deer in headlights. However, when you’re stressed, you fanatically take action.

I’ve been muling this over all week because I have often felt like a deer in headlights. When I was 9 I started at a new school. I went from a small-town elementary school in Texas to a K-12 college prep school on the East coast. The reason we moved (something I didn’t want) was because my dad had a nervous breakdown. After the move my mom went back to school full-time. I became a latchkey kid and when my mom (or dad for that matter) was home she was busily trying to get finished with her responsibilities so she could go study (my dad was there walking around but he was on another planet). 

I have been looking back to the fourth grade over the past year because it was when my inability to cope with responsibilities started. I did poorly in school and I developed a reputation as a ‘bad’ kid. Last night it dawned on me that I was overwhelmed by everything going on in my life and had shut down. In order to get me out of overwhelm, my parents and teachers used fear. They would scare me with threats of failing and ‘bad’ reports on my college transcript in order to get me to do school work. So, I would go from overwhelm to ‘fight or flight’ and it was too much for me to handle on my own. It’s no wonder it took me 10 years to get my undergraduate degree.

School work evolved into life work and I’ve never been able to reconcile my feelings about either. Ironically I went through a similar time period in early adulthood. When I was learning to work, live on my own, and pay bills, I went through a traumatic experience. Suddenly I went into overwhelm again and was unable to cope with responsibilities, thinking that in order to be responsible I had to live in a constant state of fight or flight.

Last night it dawned on me that I am still associating responsibility with numbness and terror. I’m numb and shut down and the only thing that will get me out of it is fear. That’s no way to live. Responsibility can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to force you to live in a state of fight or flight. It’s not possible to live like that and be healthy. 

Now that I’ve consciously made that connection in my brain I feel like my whole life has changed. My perspective of myself, of my life, has shifted. I have spent the past thirty years working on feeling safe and relaxed. Said another way, I have spent the past thirty years trying not to feel anxious and depressed, and I’ve done a good job. But I’ve always associated facing responsibilities with pain. It can be uncomfortable, yes, but not painful.

Slumping

I’m in a bit of a slump today. On Friday it will be one year since my grandmother died. She died peacefully in hospice, so it wasn’t tragic or shocking, but when she died my life changed pretty dramatically. I was employed by her for almost 20 years, first as a personal money manager, then as a companion, then as a caregiver. In the end I was all three. I managed her finances, took care of her bills, insurances, correspondence, you name it I did it. I was a driver and at times a cook. We lived separately, but I was very involved in her life and well-being.

When she died I started to work full-time as an artist. It was something I was doing before I started working for her. My job was supposed to supplement my income from my artwork, but over time, my artwork faded to the background and I focused almost entirely on my job. I wasn’t always happy about it, but it’s what happened. At the time I considered it to be similar to being a say-at-home parent. Sometimes you’re dreams fade to background as you fulfill other commitments and you’re just not motivated or energized to do it all.

So when she died there was a part of me that was looking forward to focusing on art again. It has been quite a year. I miss her. I miss the security I had. I miss the predictability and monotony of my routine. I miss knowing what I could expect. I wasn’t making a lot of money, in fact a lot of people asked my how I was able to make ends meet, but it was reliable, and that has been hard to live without.

I’m not used to having to hustle for clients and there are days that I’m just not up for it. But, I have the desire to keep trying, to keep at it, and that gives me hope. I want this to work, and I know that if I don’t give up it will. I have faith, maybe not always in myself, but I have faith that if I focus on making the work, day in and day out, that eventually it will sell.

I want to stay positive and maybe that’s all I want to write today. My work is good enough and every day it’s getting better. I’m a writer. I’ve got two finished novels and two in the works. I sit down at the computer to write every morning and sometimes throughout the day. I stand at the easel every morning and paint. I often supplement that with drawing exercises and color mixing. I post a blog every day, and I regularly post videos of my creative process on my YouTube channel. I’m hardly slacking.

But what does it take to be a successful artist? Or, successfully self-employed? What does it take to say, I deserve my dream life and do it? I’m not on my own. There are a lot of people out there trying to do the same thing as me, and we’re all hardworking and determined. 

I believe there is a non-physical dimension to everything we’re doing, and tapping into that dimension makes a difference. I’ve seen it work in other areas of my life. I know it’s effective and I know how powerful it its. I’m practicing patience. I’m giving myself time. I’m allowing myself to grow, to grow into this new life and to grow as a self-employed, full-time artist. But some days I find myself slumping. I know it won’t last, but I just need to say that’s where I am today.

Fresh Start

I got up this morning, did some yoga, mediated, and spent an hour writing. Afterwards I had breakfast while I waited for my 12-Step phone meeting. At 9am I set up my easel and palette and got to work on my latest commission, an 11x14 of Thomas Jefferson High School. While I worked, I listened to a podcast called Adult Child, which is what’s currently holding my attention.

I first heard the term Adult Child of Alcoholics when I was in my twenties and was confused as to why I could relate to the symptoms so much. That was before people understood that growing up with other addictions, like food, sex, and money, as well as growing up with mental illness, could have similar effects on children as growing up with alcoholism.

Over the years I have read a lot about addiction, codependency, family dysfunction, sexual abuse, incest, mental illness, and so much more in an attempt to understand my deep unhappiness. As a fourteen year old I could barely hold my head up and look at the camera on Christmas morning as I opened presents. I was absolutely miserable with no one to talk to and no adult support. I kept it all to myself, and at 14, a few months after Christmas, I discovered alcohol, and the rest is history.

I drank alcoholically for ten years and quit when I was 24. I have been free of ‘partying’ for twenty-five years and sober from alcohol and pot for twenty. I drank a few times in my late twenties, but fortunately I’d moved to a new city and had no friends to party with. So I got a buzz and crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep a half dozen times and then quit for good just after my 30th birthday. I do not miss it.

But quitting drinking doesn’t make the pain go away, and it doesn’t solve the problems that led to drinking in the first place. I’m so grateful that there are so many 12-Step programs out there addressing many of the problems that exist in dysfunctional families. I think I’ve been to just about all of them just to see if it fits. Many of them do but I am taking it one fellowship at a time.

My favorite 12-Step program is Alanon. It’s for the friends and families of alcoholics. I’ve been to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), Codependents Anonymous, Sanon, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, but I keep coming back to Alanon. If I could sum up what all these programs address it would be: trying to feel close to people without being intimate.

Intimacy takes courage. It includes being vulnerable, honest, and humble. I was incapable of those things as a child and young adult so I developed skills to help me gain a sense of closeness despite my inability to actually be close. I learned them from my parents, who learned them from their parents, who learned them from theirs.

I really appreciate people being so open and honest about recovery, addiction, and family dysfunction. The stories people have shared about their pain and suffering is what’s helped me to heal over the past 30 years. But I’ve been hesitant to pay it forward. There is something that’s been holding me back from being out and open about my struggles with addiction and mental health. Today I’m doing it differently. Whether I have something of value to offer or not, I feel as if I want to give back what I’ve been given.

Money Dysfunction

I started a new painting this morning. It’s a commissioned piece for a family member. I live in an historic neighborhood and the high school is a beloved institution, and the building itself is beloved for its architecture. So I started an 11x14 painting of the school from the exterior. I am in the process of doing five larger paintings of the school but she wanted a small piece so, I’m on it.

I was contacted over the weekend about a possible commission for a childhood friend of mine. It’s for her daughter’s birthday in May so there’s time. It seems like when I decide to start doing commissions they come. Today I will walk the neighborhood passing out more flyers to try and get commissions - house, pet, and kid portraits. I’m realizing that I’m happiest when I’m working, when I’ve got jobs to focus on. So that’s what I want for the New Year.

I listened to a podcast I’ve never heard before: Adult Child. It’s an exploration of growing up in a dysfunctional family. The episode I listened to focused on money - underearning, debting, over spending. Lots of juicy stuff. I discovered several years ago that the twelve-step program Adult Children of Alcoholics changed their name to include Dysfunctional Families - Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. The reason being that so many people who did not grow up with alcoholism still grew up with a lot of the same dysfunction as the family disease of alcoholism. That made me happy as I can also identify with a lot of adult children issues and neither of my parents drank.

The discussion of money in the podcast was affirming. My parents did not like for us to ask for anything. In fact, it would often lead to a sideways glance before being asked, “Who do you think you are?”, that beautiful, shaming question I heard so often growing up. And my parents were also very clear about not wanting to spoil us. Now that I’m an adult I think what produces spoiled children is depriving them of things they need, like love, respect, dignity, room to feel their feelings, safe touch, and being heard, not giving them too much stuff.

I have two memories from childhood about money. One memory is of asking my dad for money to go to the mall. I’d already asked permission to go with friends to see a movie, get a slice of pizza, and buy a cassette tape from Sam Goody and it had been granted. But now I needed the money. I said I needed $10. My dad opened his wallet and stared into it for a few seconds counting his cash. I had to explain to him all over again the plan for the day and what I needed the money for. He wanted to hear it all again. Then he pulled out $7 and told me to work for the rest. When I protested he said he was teaching me how to have incentive, that if I really wanted to buy things I should work for it. “Be hungry”. So that day I either went without pizza or a tape, I don’t remember which one, probably the tape. This was normal in my house.

The other memory is of being with my cousin. They had a beach house and we would visit during the summers. My cousin and I wanted to play lacrosse but we couldn’t find a lacrosse ball. She ran to her dad and asked for money to get one. He pulled out his wallet and without thinking handed her $20. He didn’t even ask for the change. I was flabbergasted. Shocked. I immediately thought of all the shit I went through with my dad and how hard it was to ask for things and it stunned me. Really stunned me. I was envious of her, envious that her father was so giving with his abundance.

I’ve noticed in life that when I want something badly, when I think a situation would be unbearable, that very scenario becomes inevitable. It’s like they say with the law of attraction: obsessing over what you don’t want attracts it to you, so stay focused on what you do want. It’s ironic that my parents were afraid their children would be spoiled because I think my brother and I were probably the more spoiled kids we knew. Entitled and bitter.

There are so many aspects to family dysfunction, so many things that lead to dysfunction as an adult. It’s not that hard to become an adult child. Maybe we’re all adult children. Maybe it’s a spectrum, and we’re all on it. Either way, talking about it, hearing others talk about it, helps. It seems like clarity leads to recovery.

Subtle Emotions

It is a dark day today. I looked out the window this morning and noticed the sky, and although the forecast is for sun, it seemed improbable that it would happen. It’s still early. When it’s dark I feel cold, even if it’s not cold outside. I think it’s in the 60’s out but I’ve got a space hater on and an electric throw. Don’t tease. I’m really tired of being cold these days. I’m looking forward to spring even though it’s only January. Hopefully we won’t have a late winter freezes again this year.

I listened to an interview of Brene Brown this morning talking about emotions. When I read the description of the podcast I wasn’t sure it was something I wanted to hear about but I’m glad I listened. I don’t think I know what a lot of emotions are. She was talking about emotions I’d never heard of and I had no way of knowing if I’ve ever felt them. What does it mean to be perplexed? And when would I use it instead of confused?

Perplexed means completely baffled; very puzzled. Confused means unable to think clearly; bewildered. And Bewildered means perplexed and confused; very puzzled. I guess a lot of words are interchangeable, you can get creative, but one thing she said that stood out to me is that when we label an emotion we’re having, it effects our nervous system. So be careful.

The example she gave is that she used to say she was overwhelmed a lot, but what she came to understand was that 90% of the time she was actually stressed. Those are two very different emotions. One causes us to shut down (overwhelm) while the other causes us to get in gear and take action. So now, when she is in fact overwhelmed, she stops what she’s doing and goes for a walk. She does nothing because that’s what the emotion calls for. 

Listening to the interview made me want to be more aware of my feelings. I try to choose feelings as soon as I wake up. I do my best to think of things that produce emotions like happiness, satisfaction, and excitement. I like emotions like thrill. It’s a good feeling to be thrilled. I also like satisfaction because it reminds me of working towards a goal and achieving it. But those are times when nothing’s going on and I can meditate on feelings I want for myself. I’d like to be conscious throughout the day.

Right now I’m not sure what I’m feeling. At first I thought, nothing. But let me break it down. I’m writing and in order to write I had to think of something to write about. I needed inspiration. I also wanted to write about something that I could relate to, something that resonated and felt personal. I wanted connection. I wanted to feel allied. So even though I’m not registering any strong emotions I’m still feeling things. I’ve learned to pay attention to strong emotions over the years but I don’t always take the time to recognize the subtle ones. I would like to be more emotionally aware. Perhaps taking time throughout the day to name the subtle emotions I’m feeling, or have felt in the past twenty minutes, would be a good exercise to incorporate into my life.

The Things I Can Control

I’ve had a busy week. Lots of business to take care of, which is my least favorite thing to do. I finally got all my doctor’s appointments made Tuesday. It took almost three hours of being on hold, getting cut off, and getting transferred to the wrong number, to get it all done. It was infuriating and frustrating, but in the end I was relieved I stuck it out and got it all done.

Yesterday I took down some paintings that were hanging downtown, went to FedEx to get some flyers to advertise my business, stopped by Michael’s to get some oil paint, and then drove over to Jerry’s to get canvasses.

Today I called my insurance agent to see if they could shop around for better homeowners and auto insurance, set up bill pay to pay my property taxes by the end of the month, and I ordered my nephew a birthday gift. It just seems like the beginning of the year brings large To-Do lists and mine is getting crossed off.

I’ve got three finished paintings of Thomas Jefferson high school and two more on the way. My plan is to go up the street and see if I can hang them at the coffee shop and then offer prints of them on Etsy. I’d like to make them available soon.

I was listening to an interview of James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits. I’ve seen the book cover and I’ve heard about the book ad nauseam but haven’t read it. I listened to an interview of him last week and decided to put the book on hold at the library. I feel pretty good after listening to him a few times. I think I may already being doing a lot of the things he suggests, but I always love to learn more about how to be productive. One thing I’ve learned over the past year is that it’s one thing to say you want to be a professional painter and author and it’s another thing to do it.

James Clear and the podcast host were talking about how you don’t ‘write a novel’, which is something I’d heard before. Instead, you sit down every day and you write for an allotted amount of time, then, after a while, you have a finished novel. Last year I started writing and painting every day. I don’t have specific goals I’m reaching, like selling X number of paintings by X date. Instead I paint every day and work on getting better. My goal is to improve and paint things that I like. My hope is that in time, that behavior will translate into being a professional artist. Obviously there are other things, like hanging work up at galleries, my Etsy shop, etc, but I can’t be a professional artist unless I’m making art every day.

Both the host and James Clear are writers and I it was cool listening to them talk about the process of writing. They also talked about asking yourself, What do I want my daily routine to look like? For me it’s getting up every day and spending allotted amounts of time being creative, my two creative outlets being painting and writing. That’s my dream life. This is my dream life. That feels good. It feels good to know that I’m already living my life the way I want. I am a writer and painter. Now I can make small shifts and changes when I want to tweak things like income and getting published. 

I’ve always been fascinated with how people make change and achieve goals. As a teenager I was a laissez-fair goal setter. If it happened it happened. I wasn’t into struggling towards anything. At the time I was constantly told that what I was doing was wrong and I carried a lot of guilt about that for a long time. Now, after years of goal setting, I can say that there was a part of me back then that was on the right track. Yes, setting goals is important. But sometimes they can keep us stuck. What I’m finding now is that there’s intention setting and then there’s letting go. Letting go was what I was great at as a teenager and I’d like to be great at that again.

With the New Year just begun I would like to state some intentions. I want to paint houses, pets, and kids for my neighbors. I want to finish the two novels I’m working on right now and I want to regularly submit query letters to literary agents. I want to spend two hours a day on writing and two on painting. I want to hang my work at three locations before June. And I want to improve, both as a painter and as a writer. Those are the things I can control.

On Hold

I usually listen to podcasts while I paint but this morning I listened to musac. I was on the phone for an hour and a half making appointments for medical check-ups. I finally got through to someone about a new PCP I want to see but they said I have to call the insurance company and get ‘assigned’. Then I tried to make an appointment for a mammogram and can’t get in for two and a half months. My colonoscopy will probably be for next year. 

I want to get check-ups this year. I guess you could say that’s my New Years resolution. I want to make appointments and make sure I’m healthy. I have new insurance that I got through the marketplace and I’m using it this year. For fun I made an appointment with a medical intuitive. She too was book far out in advance. I couldn’t get in to see her until April.

The holidays were good. I flew to Denver just in time for a winter storm that brought three inches of snow and negative 15 degree temperatures. On the way home from Denver I waited four hours for my flight to leave. I will say that I feel extremely lucky that I even made it home with my luggage. I think our flight to San Antonio was the only one that made it that day. The. Only. One. When I got to SA there was a sea of bags in the baggage claim area for people who couldn’t get home all day. It was stressful, for myself but also for others. There were a lot of people with kids and no clean clothes or coats or boots for them until their flights were rescheduled. That must have been a nightmare.

I got home on Sunday with a searing headache that lasted about twenty-four hours. It went away Monday afternoon but about an hour later my throat started hurting. In the morning I tested positive for Covid. It didn’t surprise me after the week I’d had. It just seemed fitting that I would end the year and the trip with Covid. No one I was with all week got it though. Not sure how that works. It’s supposed to be extremely contagious but the three people I’d been talking to, eating with, hugging hello and goodbye with, did not get it. I guess that’s good, but still strange.

I spent New Years resting and recuperating and I’d like to say I’m ready for the new year. Along with my doctor’s appointments I’m also going to start doing more commissions. When I was booked last fall it felt great. I loved it and would like to do as many commissions as possible. I’m going to start focusing on my neighbors. I live in an historic neighborhood and a lot of people here love their homes, so I’ll see if they want house portraits. I’m also doing pets and kids so we’ll see if they’re interested in that too. I can contact dog lovers, maybe find some dog shows or agility shows. I may even contact pediatricians see if I can put a flyer up in their office. Realtors might help with the house portraits.

I worked on a painting of Jefferson high school that I’d been working on before I left. It’s weird to take time off from painting and then come back to it. I always wonder if I’m going to remember how to do it. I’m still happy with what I’m doing. I think I’ll finish it next time. A family friend requested a commission of the school, so I’ll start that this week.

Caring for My Future Self

So, the holidays are here. It’s almost Christmas and I have to say I was able to keep myself in the holiday spirit this season. I found that lighting scented candles, listening to Christmas Carols, going to Christmas parties, lunches and dinners were what got me in the spirit. I’m not a big fan of decorations. There’s a good chance that if they go up they may not come down, so I can do without them. But the other things really did the trick.

I did some painting this morning and got a commission yesterday. So life is good. I’m going to Denver for the actual holiday and it’s supposed to be -15 degrees. It’s hard to fathom right now but I imagine I’m going to be pretty uncomfortable. I’ve packed lots of sweaters and long underwear, plus a hot water bottle and extra socks. Man, I was not expecting this. Global warming is kicking our butts.

I listened to a pretty amazing podcast this morning. It was an interview and conversation of sorts about how to live for your future self. I’ve grown up listening to a lot of talk about psychology but the stuff I heard today was new. They talked about imaging who you’re living for in the future. It could be an hour in the future or twenty years. Is this upset or letdown going to matter later today? Later this year?

It reminded me of goal setting in a way. If I knew I’d be dead in six months what would I change? That’s always been a tough question for me because I don’t know that there’s anything I’d do differently. I’d get my affairs in order, but to some people that line of thinking doesn’t count. Would you make any drastic changes? Or, where do you want to be in three years? In five? Those questions are easier for me to answer.

But in the interview they were talking about feelings. What do I want to be feeling later in the day? Later in the year? When I get up in the morning my routine was specifically created because I know I’ll feel satisfied and complete by lunchtime. That’s what gets me up in the morning. But I haven’t really thought about what will make me feel those things later in the year.

I’ve got some career goals. I created a business plan for 2023 and part of that plan is raising my prices. I wasn’t sure to what price I was going to raise them but I noticed another artist on Instagram tell a prospective client that she charges $1.50 per square inch. I did the math and that’s a little bit more than what I’m charging now. That sounds like an easy way to figure out what to charge going forward too, whether it’s $1.50 or $2.00 or more.

But I would like to feel fulfilled by the end of 2023. I’d like to feel connected, loved, and compassionate. I’d like to feel humble and satisfied. I’d like to feel blessed, grateful, and appreciative. What are the choices I can make today that will lead to that future? That’s what I’m contemplating at the end of 2022.

Instant Gratification

I’ve been filming myself painting lately and using the footage for my YouTube channel. Several years ago I made some videos for an art festival here in San Antonio called Luminaria. One of the videos I did was a day in the life montage where I filmed things like a typewriter (yes, in the past I used an electric typewriter at work) but did not film myself using it. In post production I added the sound of the typewriter being used. It was kind of an eerie film. I decided to do something similar with my current life.

I filmed myself in mediation, making meals, painting, writing, drawing. I then edited it together with subtitles explaining what I do in a day. I wanted it to be meditative and engrossing. So far the feedback I’ve gotten has been positive. So, I’m going to use this new approach with my YouTube channel and see if I can get more viewers.

Today I worked on one of my Jefferson High School paintings while filming. It’s probably one of the more interesting paintings of the school I’ve done. It’s of a staircase near the auditorium which has a lot of architectural details. I’m struggling with the previous painting I was working on last week, so I decided to move on to a new one and let that one go for a while.

I was reading The War of Art this morning and was struck by something he says. In the past I used to get these bursts of energy and go nuts making art. I’m embarrassed to say that at the time I thought it was some burst of creative genius or something. But according to Steven Pressfield it was simply resistance. “Resistance outwits the amateur with the oldest trick in the book: it uses his own enthusiasm against him.”

I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that for most of my adult life I’ve been approaching my art as an amateur rather than a professional. In a way it doesn’t surprise me because I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that for most of my adult life I’ve been living at a maturity level of a 12 year old, too. It’s been hard to see myself as I really am, but that’s the gist of it. I’ve struggled to grow up. I’ve struggled to see myself as an adult and take responsibility for myself. Steven Pressfield calls it amateur. I call it addict. But it’s pretty much the same thing.

So resistance gets the amateur to “plunge into a project with an overambitious and unrealistic timetable for its completion. It knows we can’t sustain that level of intensity. We will hit a wall. We will crash.” Resistance taps into our inner amateur’s need for instant gratification. But the professional is more like a turtle than a rabbit. Our inner professional knows that creativity comes in its own time, that you can’t write a novel overnight, that great paintings take time to unfold.

It’s so helpful to read this. I feel like he’s not only telling me how to be a professional artist but how live a sober life. Not just from alcohol or drugs but from needing the world to see me in a way that will override all my insecurities. Resistance convinces us we can pull off ‘the big score’ without pain or persistence. 

The Art of Healing

I’ve been thinking about the role ‘healing’ plays in creativity. When I was a young adult I felt as if my creativity flowed easily. It was an awesome feeling and one of the reasons I decided to be a professional artist. But as I’ve gotten older it seems as if some hesitancy has crept in. I don’t feel as confident about my creativity as I used to and I’m wondering if my focus on self-help and mental health has had an effect.

If we’re artists, or pursuing a creative vocation, does it matter if we’re mentally stable? Would we produce better work if we were healthy? Unhealthy?

I think creativity comes from a place beyond the personality. I can’t say for sure where it comes from, but there have been times in my life when I have felt as if I was simply a channel for energies and emotions beyond the physical. When I was younger I was less aware of myself, less conscious, and creativity flowed easily.

But I decided at a young age that happiness was a priority, that my mental health was more important than anything else. I put it before work, before relationships, before everything. I don’t regret it. I've discovered a lot about myself over the years, including the importance of leading an inner-directed life.

I love being an artist. I love being creative - getting ideas and watching them manifest. In his book, The War of Art, Steven Pressfield criticizes ‘getting healthy’. I love the book, but that is the one part I have an issue with. He says that focusing on getting healthy is resistance, that it’s something that keeps us from working and producing art.

I can’t say I disagree, but is work more important than emotional stability? It’s probably different for everyone. Some people can’t afford not to work. Mental health services aren’t offered liberally to people. But what if you’re too depressed to work? What if you’re full of shame and self-loathing and producing art is too triggering? Being as personal as art is, I can’t imagine being public with my work when I was really struggling. It seems like the exposure would have been too much like losing control.

A lot of us choose a vocation thinking it will somehow free us from our misery. Like alcoholics and drug addicts, we’re not pursuing a vocation as much as we’re looking for an escape. Art is an enticing path in life if we’re struggling with an addictive personality. The promise of fame and fortune can overwhelm all other pleasures, can eclipse the satisfaction we may find from our work. 

Right Action

I finished another painting of Thomas Jefferson High School. It’s an exterior shot with the name of the school and the dome rising up above. I wasn’t expecting to finish it but as I was working I realized I was happy with a lot of it and sometimes you just need to call things ‘done’.


After I painted I did some color mixing. I used Cadmium Yellow Light and mixed it with the four greens I have: Sap Green, Corbet Green, Chromium Oxide Green, and Permanent Green Light. It’s come to my attention over the past year that color mixing is as important for painting as drawing, so I’ve been doing that after I finish working. At first I thought it was something I would do in the afternoons, but I kept procrastinating and putting it off because I didn’t want to get all my paints out again and set up my easel. Now it works and most days (sometimes I forget) I spend some time color mixing. Eventually I will have a sense of what all the colors I have do together.


What is resistance? Steven Pressfield talks about it in his book The War of Art and I’ve been thinking about how it shows up in my life. Procrastination is one way. I kept thinking, I should do some color mixing, but then it would never happen, which is such a frustrating thing to go through when you know that it would be good for you, or good for your career. Resistance, no matter how it shows up, is heartbreaking.


One thing I’ve found that helps motivate me is setting a timer. The other day I wanted to do some video editing but just couldn’t get myself to do it. So I decided to set a timer and give myself 25 minutes to work on it, then I could call it quits. Well, after 25 minutes was up I still wanted to work on it. It’s amazing how that happens. There’s something about getting started that has me put it off. I don’t want to move the computer (laptop!). It’s laziness but it’s resistance. I don’t want to put the effort in. Why bother? I ask myself. So some of procrastination for me is laziness but some of it is self-doubt.


My mornings are structured. I get up at a specific time and have very specific things I do: yoga, meditation, creative writing, breakfast, support group meeting (over the phone), and paint. All that takes me until about 11am. After that I blog and eat lunch. After lunch my day is unstructured. I either draw or run errands or write in my journal or read. It helps to set the timer in the afternoons. It helps meet get stuff done, otherwise I’d just be scrolling through social media or playing solitaire.


For many years resistance was fear. I was afraid to try (afraid to fail). I was afraid of my autonomy (art is personal, an expression of my Self). I was afraid of what others would think, being judged as ‘not enough’. Afraid to carve out the time (I was committed to others, thinking that was what I needed). And I was afraid to commit to my dreams, afraid my dreams weren’t important.


I still feel resistance and I probably always will. The opposite of resistance isn’t action, it’s awareness. I need to be awake and aware in my life so I can make choices and know why I’m making those choices. Procrastination can be procrastination, but it can also be my body, or my wiser self telling me ‘This isn’t the right action’.

Deserted Island

Creativity makes me think a lot about codependency. Or rather, codependency reminds me a lot about creativity. Why do I create? Why does anyone create? In The War of Art by Steven Pressfield he asks, If you were on a deserted island would you still make art? Immediately I knew I would write. If there was no one on the planet to read my work I would still write. Maybe not creative writing, but I would still write in my journal.

That’s been on my mind since I read it. I am a sick codependent. It helped me so much to learn that I still believe, like an infant and toddler, that I will die without another human being taking care of me. Ideally, we should learn as we’re growing up how to care for ourselves. We should understand that we are valuable and that our needs matter. A lot of us don’t learn that. A lot of us learn that we are either burdens, or we have parents that depend on us as if we are there to provide for them.

So as an adult I was constantly looking around for someone to care for me, to do for me what I felt incapable of doing for myself, which was a lot. I wanted others to esteem me, to tell me I’m good. I just wanted constant adoration, approval, and encouragement, which made it really hard to make art, not to mention have healthy relationships.

When I first realized that I was looking for approval of my work I thought the realization was all I needed. I thought it was just a matter of seeing the truth. But when it comes to codependency, I’ve discovered it’s a layered reflex that goes very deep. After a while I found it hard to make art at all without constantly thinking about awards, recognition - anything that would boost my ego and tell me I’m good.

Reading Steven Pressfield’s book has been so good for me. It’s helped me see, not only the kind of artist I want to be, but the kind of person I want to be. Codependency is something we learn, it’s an addictive way of relating to others, but in its simplest terms, it’s acting like a child rather than an independent adult. I want to be a grown up, and in order to do that, I first have to admit that my maturity level is often that of a child.

I want to make art for myself, first. I want this quest I’m on, this path, to be about expressing myself for the sake of expressing myself. Because it matters. Because I matter. I want to share myself. I want to share who I am, how I see things, what I feel and think about the world around me. But I want to share those things from a place of humility. I want to share it with no strings attached. Easier said than done, but that’s it. That’s what I want.

I want to be someone who’s on a deserted island being creative in order to make myself feel whole, in order to bring peace and serenity to my life. I want to use my artwork and my writing to discover things about myself, to evolve. Relationships are important, yes, but the intensity with which I look outside myself for fulfillment can lead to unhappiness and unmanageability. That’s what I’m looking to move beyond.

Nineteenth Century America

I’m having this really strange/cool experience lately. It started with Transcendentalism. I read a biography about Thomas Eakins, a well known American artist born in the late 19th century. At the end of Walt Whitman’s life he lived across the Delaware River from Thomas Eakins in New Jersey (Thomas Eakins lived in Philadelphia). Apparently they spent a lot of time together. Although Walt Whitman isn’t ‘technically’ a Transcendentalist, reading about him piqued my interest. I’d never looked into Transcendentalism before so I decided to get something from the library about it.

I found a book called Transcendentalists and Their World by Robert Gross. It was more than I was looking for - a 600 page history of Concord, Massachusetts - but I read it anyway. When I discovered that Louisa May Alcott’s father was part of the Transcendentalist movement I decided to read Little Women. At the same time, kind of randomly, I picked up a biography of Emily Dickinson. I didn’t know it at the time but Louisa May Alcott and Emily Dickinson were about the same age. 

Emily Dickinson’s biography gives a brief history of her grandfather and father, both of whom lived in Amherst, Massachusetts during the late 18th and early 19th century. Her father, Edward, was the same age as Ralph Waldo Emerson. They lived 80 miles from each other. Emily Dickinson’s family were staunch Christians. Amherst was considered the 'last bastion of New England Puritanism’ at the time, so they probably didn’t socialize with the Transcendentalists. Her grandfather, Samual Fowler Dickinson, founded Amherst College as a school for Trinitarian clergy, which were more conservative than Unitarian clergy, which is what Emerson was before leaving the church.

Now I’m reading a biography of Winslow Homer, an American painter. I’d heard of Winslow Homer but knew nothing about him. I just wanted to read about another painter so I grabbed his biography from the library. It turns out Winslow Homer was born a few years after Louisa May Alcott and Emily Dickinson in Boston. They were all born in the 1830’s in Massachusetts. I guess I needed an American history lesson because I’ve been getting one. Nineteenth century New England sounds like it was a pretty cool place to live.

Nathaniel Hawthorn was another famous intellectual/artist living in Massachusetts during the time and was friends with Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau. I got a notice that The Scarlet Letter is available for pick-up from the library. I’ll read it next.

I’m not sure if I was interested in the 19th century or if it was interested in me. I’m absorbed in it either way (I recently finished The Last of the Mohicans, which was written in 1826). It’s hard to fathom that people were living lives so similar to ours two hundred years ago. I’m currently reading Walden and at times it sounds like it could be written today. I’ve never had much interest in history. In school we learned about the Revolution and Civil wars, things I really didn’t care about. But I’m interested in what women were doing, how they lived and their creative lives. Both Emily Dickinson and Louisa May Alcott were extraordinary people, but I have to say I would find their lives interesting even if they’d been ordinary. Life has changed so much and yet it is exactly the same as it was in the past.

The Gods Are With Me

I’m working on two paintings of Thomas Jefferson High School. One is a view of the administration hallway at the entrance of the school, the other is a wide angel view of the school from outside. I made some progress on the hallway painting this morning. I am struggling with the vanishing perspective, but if I can get it right I think it will make a powerful piece.

Yesterday I finished a portrait of my nephew. I did it in pencil, so it’s a sketch not a painting, but I think it turned out ok. I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be offering to do portraits. I’ve always been insecure about them. Figure drawing was never my strong suit, but perhaps it’s time to move on from old self-concepts. When I start hustling for commissions after the new year I think I’ll offer portraits as well as houses and pets.

After I painted I signed up for health insurance. That put me in a pretty down mood. This transition to self-employed has been great, but it does come with drawbacks. It’s hard to convince people that you’re going to make a living, at some point. This past fall taught me that making a living as a painter is possible, but I still have to actually make that happen. It’s a stressful and yet exhilarating time.

These paintings I’m working on now of the high school are, I think, sellable. When I went to the tour there were a lot of alumni there walking around reliving their high school days. The organization that put on the tour was a historical commission whose goal is to restore the school and keep it a source of pride, not only for students, but alumni and the community as well. There are a lot of people who love that school. But, doing paintings of it is a risk. People may not want to buy paintings of it, no matter how much they love it.

So painting is a risk. I can paint all kinds of subjects and not know if anyone will be interested in buying them. I have a stack of paintings in my back bedroom to show for that. It’s a lot more satisfying to do commissions, to have people contact me who want a painting of their house, or dog, or kid. I’d rather try and please someone who already wants a painting rather than try and please someone who may or may not want artwork on their wall.

When I read about creativity and being a professional artist or writer people talk about where creativity comes from. Is it God? Is it a muse? Is it angels, as Steven Pressfield suggests? Is it from some other dimension? I read something last night that when you start creating, the gods, or the angels, start working with you, that creating isn’t solitary. I’d like to believe that. I’d like to think that if I ‘build it, they will come’. I’d like to think that there are people out there waiting for paintings of their alma mater, that when I got the idea to paint the school was because people, somewhere, want them.

I guess I don’t know, or won’t know until I finish them and they’re out there for sale. But it would be nice to think that this isn’t a solitary thing I’m doing. It would be nice to think that I’m responding to desires that are out there, in the ethers, that people want inspiration to hang on their walls, that they want something that will cheer them up or make them feel good.