I worked on Dr. Eugene Clark Library today. The building has a lot of detail so I think I’ll be working on it for a while. At least two more days if not more. I woke up this morning to cloudy skies and as the morning wore on I realized the sun wasn’t going to come out before I left. So I decided to stay home instead of plein air painting another library. I’ve got Eugene Clark and now Cody Library to focus on so that should keep me busy for a while.
I listened to an episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour while I worked. They talked about ‘emotional regulation disorder’, which used to be called ‘personality disorder’. The guy being interviewed (Jeese Finkelstein) kept saying people express themselves in ‘ineffective’ ways, which will be my takeaway from the interview. It’s nicer to look back at myself, or to look at others, as being ‘ineffective' rather than manipulative or cruel. It’s more compassionate. Always looking for better tools for life and relationships.
I think I am feeling better after the shooting. It’s still on my mind, and I know that there are a lot of people who will not get to feel better for a long time, but after a while I feel powerless and it doesn’t help to keep checking for more news. I’m sure there will be a lot of new information coming from Uvalde in the coming weeks. It’s like the fog of war has to lift or something.
This weekend is Memorial Day Weekend and I have a memorial to go to Sunday. Fitting. My grandmother died in January and because if COVID we are just now getting around to the memorial. What a crazy time. We’ve all been saying that for two years and it doesn’t seem like it’s going change any time soon. It’s like we’ve entered a perpetual ‘crazy time’. Or maybe it’s been crazy for so long and now we can’t ignore it.
I went to the grocery store today and saw a security guard outside as I was walking in. It boggles my mind that we live in a society where we need security guards while we shop for food. Why are we living like this? Who’s effing idea was it? Once inside though I have to admit I didn’t think about anything but what I was looking for. Maybe that’s good. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s good to feel good with everything that’s going on. Is it good to forget about tragedies? Is forgetting how the gun issue continues? We stop thinking about it all the time, get complacent until the next shooting, then we all scream and yell for a few days insisting on change? Is that how it works?
I’m confused. But I do understand one thing: living in a constant state of distress is painful. That’s what happens when you have PTSD. And don’t we talk about how destructive PTSD is all the time? None of this makes sense. I’m beginning to think no source of information about the world outside my home is helpful. Even my neighborhood group is full of fear: Photos of suspicious people. Posts about break-ins and shots fired. Everything’s a warning. It stresses me out. I almost feel ashamed to post about positive things, as if I’m not contributing anything positive. Is that irony or just absurdity?
So, I’m just an autonomous woman who spends her days painting libraries, reading about library history, visiting libraries, reading books, and writing. Occasionally she makes videos of her painting and posts them on YouTube for people to meditate to. Maybe I should narrow my life down to those simple things. Keep it simple. Think I’ll give that a try for a while.