I'm at Collins Garden Library. I decided to stay after I painted and write inside the library. This place has a great vibe. Lots of computers and places to sit and work or read. I had more people stop and ask what I was doing today than I have before. Feels good.
This morning, when I first woke up, I started thinking about creativity, about being inspired to create and being inspired by other people’s creativity. It’s quite a rush. I spent so many years waking up with fear and worry on my mind. So many years fretting and feeling angry. I was always defensive, always feeling insecure and inadequate. It was a weary life. A weary way to live.
I’ve always been an artist, always seen myself as creative, but for many years making art was difficult. I didn’t mind writing, but drawing and painting were things I felt I needed to do, things that I wanted to do but didn’t have the motivation to do. I wanted to be a painter, but I didn’t want to do what’s needed to get there. In college I changed my major to Communications because I thought it would be easier. I was a photographer and at the time it didn’t seem to matter if I major in Art or Communications, so I picked Communications. The other day someone pointed out that I’m a ‘self-taught’ painter. I don’t think they meant it to be hurtful, but it pushed a button.
It felt like they were saying I’m not real or valid. I don’t have credentials. I don’t. It’s just a fact. But I have spent many years studying drawing and painting, many years taking classes, learning from other artists. But it’s hard to shake the years of low energy, the years where I was unmotivated and passionless. I was focused on other things, working on other interests. But even those interests were things I did to be a better artist. Things I did to learn to express myself freely and without fear. It’s hard to share yourself, to share so personally and so deeply when you’re battling inside with shame.
So when I’m out in the community and people approach me and ask what I’m up to it’s nice. It’s nice to have someone walk over with their kid and tell me they like art too. I think about those kids a lot and wonder if they’ll end up being artists. What is the secret to success? Is it talent? Education? Grit? Determination? I don’t have the answer. But what is it that has a person pursue a dream or desire rather than just get by? I was doing both for so long, believing that my dream couldn’t sustain me. After all, who am I do dream? Who am I to have an easy life when so many people are struggling? I wanted to struggle too. If you’d ask me then I would have denied it, but the truth is, I couldn’t bring myself to succeed when so many other people are in pain. Life is scary. Survival is stressful. I didn’t want to make it look easy. I didn’t want the label of ‘privileged’. It sounds so invalidating. I wanted a way to say, “Look, I’m in pain too. I’m working too!”
I grew up learning that a real job is hard. A real job is one where you’re growing, learning the hard knocks of life. A job where your boss is on your back hounding you, threatening you with a bad review. That’s what I saw my dad doing. He was in pain. He was suffering. I spent years suffering too in order to be a ‘good’ girl, a dutiful, respectful child. I was afraid that if I enjoyed my life, if I generated an income doing something exciting and fun that I would be kicking dirt in his face, I’d be disrespecting him and his suffering.
Today I woke up, packed up my easel and drove down to Collins Garden Library to paint. Now I’m sitting inside the library writing. I’ll go home and get lunch. Later I’ll go pick up my paintings from the SAC library where I’ve had an exhibit up. I love my life. I love what I do. I love being able to plan my days. It feels as if my entire life is my creation, not just my artwork. I’m creating it every day. I regret the years I couldn’t allow myself the life I wanted, but I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m learning to forgive myself and accept that life isn’t about getting there. I’ve never gotten there. I’ve been getting there the whole time and that’s a mindset I needed to learn.