I'm having one of those days. I’ve got plumbers in the back yard, a trench has been dug, and I’m wondering when they’ll be done, or even if they’ll get done without a hiccup. I was able to paint though, so that’s good. I worked on Molly Pruitt Branch Library. It’s not a very exciting building but I decided to add a big sky to the painting with some nice clouds and I’m thinking it might turn out to be one of my best ones thus far.
I lost my garage a few years ago. We had a storm with high winds and it caused it to collapse. I was in the process of getting both the house and the garage roof redone, but then a storm hit and a few days later the roofer, claims adjuster, and I noticed that the ceiling joists were about two inches off the support beams. I couldn’t figure out how it was still standing. The roofer sent several framers over to look at it but none of them would touch it. They said it was too unstable. So I left it, not really knowing what to do, and several months later I came home and saw the roof had collapsed. It hurt.
So I found someone to haul off the garage and as they did we found that the gas lines went from the gas meter, up into the roof of the garage and then down into the ground and into the house. Once all the debris from the garage was gone I had exposed gas lines running six feet up in the air. I have a penchant for walking past 5 alarm fires without even noticing. It’s one of my more serious character defects. But I lived with those exposed gas lines for several years before doing anything about them.
Now I’ve got plumbers in the back yard with an eight foot trench. Or, more accurately, I’ve got a trench but the plumbers left to get the new pipes and, most likely lunch. So here I am in limbo, hoping they come back, fix the pipes, and fill the trench without telling me all hell has broken loose. I went out and looked at it after they left and it looks sensible. I mean, I have no idea what sensible looks like seeing as I’m not a plumber, but there are pipes down there in the trench. There are more than I thought there’d be, but hopefully it makes sense to the plumbers.
I always want to watch what people do around the house, whether it’s a plumber, electrician, or roofer, but I feel like I’m looking over their shoulder making sure they’re doing everything right. I understand it’s my prerogative to watch, but I have to come inside or go in the other room and sit on my hands. Trust doesn’t come easily for me. It’s lack of trust but it’s also curiosity. I’d like to be able to do it all myself so I don’t have to ask for help, but that’s another one of my character defects. Sometimes you need help, and sometimes you need to trust that they know what they’re doing. That’s the hardest part of homeownership. At least it is for me. Will they do what they say? Are they good people? Are they honest? I never know the answers to these questions. They say they can fix it for X number of dollars and you just wait to see if it pans out. Totally out of your hands. YOUR house.
I’m not too good with these situations but I think over the years I’ve gotten better. These plumbers have done a lot of work for me. They’re good, they’re professional, and they charge reasonable rates. I like them because they show up and get to work. There’s no, Hello, good morning, how are you? How have you been? What’s new with you? No. They show up and they’re all business. Where’s the problem? I don’t even know their names and they’ve been to my house several times over the past fifteen years or so. This morning I heard them outside working and they never rang the doorbell to say they were here. Just showed up and got to work.
Everything is relationships, huh? Owning a home is relationships. Selling paintings is relationships. Watching the news and thinking about politics is relationships. Everything we do in life involves the same skills. Do I feel safe? Do I feel uncertain? Do I feel calm, anxious, excited? Do I feel trusting? Am I trustworthy? I always thought I was an insightful person but at some point in my life I realized I was actually analytical and observant of others, but perhaps not, in fact, insightful. It’s one thing to worry about someone else’s trustworthiness, but it’s another thing to know whether I’m trustworthy or not.
Do plumbers show up and wonder if I’m going to pay? Do they wonder, if they make mistake, or find something no one could have predicted, if I’ll blow a gasket or try and screw them over? I’m sure they’re going through the same things I’m going through. Dealing with relationships, finding out that sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they feel trusting and giving, and sometimes they don’t.
I guess I can do one of two things. I can either worry about them or I can worry about myself. I have the money to pay them, and nothing would make me happier than to have them show me the finished job and tell me Everything’s done, here’s the invoice. But I can’t control them. I can’t control anyone or anything else. All I can do is make sure I’m paying attention to myself. All I can do Is be insightful, be aware, notice when things feel right or not.
Perhaps if things don’t go well it’s not about them. Perhaps if things don’t go well I’ll look back and realize I had a funny feeling about it from the beginning and didn’t listen (didn’t trust myself). Or perhaps I’ll realize that I never wanted to do it in the first place. The reason I left the exposed pipes all these years wasn’t because I thought they looked good. It’s because I couldn’t bring myself to take care of it yet. Is that a character defect? Perhaps, but it’s the best I could do, and I needed to listen to myself. I get overwhelmed taking care of this house. I’m not proud of that, but it’s it’s the truth.
I am going to make lunch and trust that they will return. Later this afternoon I’m going to deliver a painting to a buyer so they can hang their new artwork in their house. I’m going to trust that everything is going to work out. I’m going to trust that there’s something going on out in the ether that is way smarter than I am, something that’s benevolent and good. I’m going to trust that there’s a good reason to trust.