I finished another library painting. That makes seven San Antonio public libraries and one Lockhart, Texas library. I started panting Guerra today, which is one of my favorite library buildings so far. I put a lot of clouds in my painting of Pruitt because I wasn’t crazy about the building, but as you can see, I don’t have a lot of experience painting clouds so they didn’t turn out that great. Hopefully I’m my biggest critic. I do believe that the photos of the painting are not great representations of the painting itself. That’s been a big frustration of mine lately: no matter how I take the photo it just doesn’t seem to do the painting justice. I guess you really need to go out and look at art in order to really ‘see’ it.
Molly Pruitt Library at Roosevelt
As I painted this morning I listened to two Ten Percent Happier podcasts. One was an interview of Esther Perel where they talk about friendships and the importance of investing in them as much as we invest in other relationships. The other episode was an old interview of Daniel Goldman where they talked about emotional intelligence.
According to Esther Perel, friendships are also love relationships and we don’t invest in them enough. At one point in the interview she said, When was the last time you asked a friend, ‘How’s our friendship going?’. That made me laugh. Not sure I’ve ever asked a friend that. Esther also ruminated over how much pressure we put on romantic relationships to fulfill all our relationship needs. We once lived in larger groups. We lived in the same house with extended family members and in tighter social communities. Now we’re all isolated, expecting partners (and kids if we have them) to fulfill all our needs. Probably no wonder there’s so much dysfunction these days.
I liked listening to Daniel Goldman talk about emotional intelligence. I kept wondering, can we just call Emotional Intelligence 'maturity’? It seems like the same thing to me, but perhaps it’s easier to tell an employee or coworker they lack emotional intelligence than tell them they’re immature. Probably wouldn’t go well. Daniel Goldman says that emotional intelligence requires listening and paying attention to ourselves and what we’re feeling. We need awareness in order to be emotionally intelligent. And we need to know why we’re feeling what we’re feeling.
I was thinking today how I often want to focus on someone else’s bad behavior or on something someone else said or did. It’s an old pattern of mine: analyze everyone else and figure them out. I learned to do that growing up and it has stuck with me. But in my obsessing about others I lost sight of myself. I stopped noticing my own feelings and motivations. Changing that has taken a lot of work. It still takes a lot of work. I noticed something the other day about a family member and I immediately thought to myself, What about you? Ugh. I did not want to answer that question. But I knew if I wanted the truth, if I wanted something I could actually make use of, I needed to.
What is it about me that has my life go the way it does? Am I needy in relationships? Do I hog the limelight? What about me? I am terrified to think (or discover?) that I am like child in a swimming pool yelling, “Mom! Look at me!!” at all the people in my life. I know better than to dismiss the possibility.
I remember listening to Daniel Goldman’s book on tape many years ago. It was way over my head. Today I learned that at the time he published it he was a science writer for the New York Times. That makes a lot of sense. Back then I devoured self-help books and they tended not to be very sciencey. I need the dumbed-down version of Emotional Intelligence which is what I kind of got listening to the interview. So, awareness, insight, and empathy are the keys to emotional intelligence. I have to say, it is one goal in life I don’t think I’ll ever give up on or assume I’ve got in the bag.
I watched the entire January 6ht Committee Hearing yesterday. It was more intense than it’s been so far. Donald Trump did a lot of personal damage to a lot of people. It’s amazing how many people, including many republicans, have been devastated by his campaign to overturn the election. Talk about emotional intelligence. Or, more accurately, a total lack of emotional intelligence.
It’s hard not to think of Donald Trump without thinking about his brother that died of alcoholism. In the program, they refer to something called the ‘family disease of addiction’. If a loved one goes to treatment for alcohol, drugs, food, sex addiction, they refer the family members to an ‘anaon’ program: Alanon for the family and friends of alcoholics, Nar-anon for the family and friends of drug addicts, O-anon for the family and friends of overeaters, and S-anon for the family and friends of sex addicts. In the anon programs they address the ‘family disease’, meaning they address their own compulsive behavior(s) and how it contributes to the family disfunction. Donald Trump is not only a great example of someone prone to ignoring feelings and reacting to life instead, but a great example of someone driven by compulsive behavior: ego gratification, power, and dominance. It’s amazing how destructive we can be when we lack emotional intelligence, when we don’t grow up.
I’m using Donald Trump as inspiration to grow up. I want to be someone who can accept loss and feel embarrassed without destroying the world around me. Without lashing out and living in denial. I think it’s important to remind myself that just because I’ve never been President of the United States that my immaturity can’t be destructive. He’s like a mirror, a mirror I’d like to see go to jail.