The Edmund Cody Branch Library was built in 1984 and named after Edmund Cody who served, at one time, as Superintendent for the Northside School District. It’s located near the intersection of Vance Jackson and Huebner Roads. When I got there a little before 11:00 on May 24 the sun was still coming up behind it, causing an almost film noir look to it. I love painting buildings and other objects that are back lit. This is the fifth local library I’ve painted.
There are still times when I stand in front of the easel, my palette full of paint, brush in my hand, and wonder if I’m going to be able to do what I have in mind. It’s insecurity, but sometimes the intensity gets to me. There are often obstacles to achieving a goal in painting, and trying something new can throw me off, but I feel as if I’ve been at it long enough to know that with patience I can either produce what I have in mind or something equally satisfying.
I have spent a lot of years wanting to do away with my insecurities, thinking they came from a lack of self- esteem. I thought that if I could just raise my self-esteem I would no longer struggle. But after all these years I’ve realized that insecurity is part of living. It’s part of learning something new. It’s part of going through a transition in life, part of getting to a new phase. You can’t stop change, and with change comes questions, doubts, fears, and the unknown. So I still have moments when I stand in front of my easel and wonder if I can do it. Of course I would like to get better. I believe there is so much room to grow. But for my sanity I need to assure myself that I’m enough and that what I’ve done is enough.
I listened to a few podcasts this morning. One was about the religious right, Christian Fundamentalists, and politics. It was interesting to discover that there’s a breakdown in the church with many parishioners wanting the church to support Donald Trump and Q-anon and other parishioners wanting to keep politics out of church. It makes me sad that so many Americans, conservative and liberal, have lost faith in our institutions. We are seeing so much that’s wrong wit our country and missing anything that’s right. It makes me think about the 60’s and the anti-war movement. The fears of Big Brother. Nowadays it’s distrust with law enforcement and the church on the left, and on the right, distrust with environmentalists and immigrants. I don’t get it.
I’m upset about a lot of things - disappointed, discouraged, dismayed. But mainly I just wish people weren’t so angry. I get angry when people are angry, and that makes me angry. I don’t want to feel defensive and scared and aggressive. If I didn’t have a way to let go of it all, to turn it over to a power greater than myself, I don’t know what I’d do. I’m trying to survive our current political climate by finding meaning and purpose. I think what I need is to care about more than politics. I’ve always been interested in politics, in the balance of power and health of society. But I also, I’m not an expert. I’ve never cared enough to get a degree in political science of social studies. It’s an interest, not a passion.
But I also fear that if I take my eye off it and stop being outraged that someone will get away with something I think is atrocious. But is it atrocious? And is being outraged really worth it? Is that the life I want to live? It’s like a never ending cycle I go through. I tune into the news, get upset, then vow to turn it off for good. It’s exhausting. What keeps me coming back is the common belief, among the right and the left, that our country is being ruined. That we are losing something we need to ‘wake up and value before it’s too late’. I just don’t know what to do.
It’s all part of why I’m painting libraries. I want to express appreciation for something. I want to focus on what’s working, on an institution that, regardless of what happens, will probably stick around. Libraries have been part of the human experience for millennia. People have always asked big questions - why are we here? what’s the meaning of life? what matters?- and as long as people ask questions there will be places people go to ask and answer those questions. If we don’t call them libraries they will be called something else. Historically they were churches, libraries, courthouses. Now it’s the internet.
I support the asking and answering of big questions. But is that what we’re doing? Are any of us really doing that anymore? It seems like we’re just obsessing with control and power, with ego and unwanted influence.