I started a larger painting of Pan American Branch Library. It’s a midcentury modern building so I wanted to give it length. I set it back and gave it a lot of sky and foreground. I may have given it a little too much, but It’s just the beginning. It’s too early to tell. There are a few trees out front and one, a large oak, that sits off to the side. I included them because I wanted to give it some color. Otherwise it’s all parking lot and dirt for grass. I cut out a large billboard that looms over the building. I’m pretty sure I don’t want it in the image but we’ll see. I may change my mind.
When I was a teenager and young adult I used to spend hours listening to music and reading cassette and CD inserts. I was looking for something. I was seeking, and I was doing it with a mixture of angst and love. I was doing it with passion. I wasn’t reading ancient, biblical texts, but I was still seeking. I was studying the lyrics of my favorite musicians. Concerts were like going to mass, to church. They were huge cathedral stadiums full of worshippers and I was moved.
As I got older I used mushrooms and pot and alcohol to enhance the experience. One of my favorite memories is when I was in college and a group of friends piled into a kid’s dorm room to smoke pot. After we’d all gotten high he turned the stereo on and played “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison. I don’t know why, but hearing that song, at that moment, under those circumstances, was so deeply moving that I’ve never forgotten it to this day. It seemed to make everyone in that room beyond happy. We were sitting in an emotional pool of bliss, and it was awesome.
I think of those days, and of the friends who were there, as the early days of my spiritual life. That was the beginning of wanting to know more, to deepen my life experience. Although back then I had no idea what I was looking for, and I wouldn’t have called it a spiritual quest, I knew I was looking for something.
I haven’t had a drink in almost 20 years. I haven’t smoked pot or done any other drugs since April 1, 1997. But I don’t regret my years of indulgence. I had a lot of fun. I had some bad trips, and some regretful things happened that probably wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been intoxicated, but it was what I did at that time in my life. It was the best I could do with what I had. I created a lot of joy where there wasn’t any.
I hear a lot of people talking about using psychedelics to help with depression and other mental health issues. I’ve had people swear to me that using drugs is a legitimate way to heal from psychic pain. I wouldn’t argue with that. I mean, I wouldn’t deny anyone those beliefs. But what I would argue is that drugs will always be drugs. They will always be the quick fix that addicts want.
To me, using drugs for mental health issues is like going to McDonalds. If you’re starving and you need food, go. I would even take you. Fast food is quick and easy and cheap. But if you really want to nourish yourself, find a creative outlet or a spiritual practice. Better yet, find both. If you want something that lasts, make a commitment to something that will reap rewards. A spiritual practice is like learning to till the soil and plant the seed. It’s experiencing the blood, sweat, and tears of leaning to grow food (it’s not easy). And once you get the hang of it, once you hit your stride, you’re harvesting a bounty that’s enough to nourish not only yourself, but those you love too.
It’s great that there are people out there arguing for psychedelics. It’s great that there’s a push for something that people are experiencing success with. But it saddens me that they’re leaving it at that. No one whose done both is being consulted. Where are the voices of those who spent years self-medicating and now find alternative ways to deal with their emotions? I feel like the hype is just leading to a belief in drugs that’s unhealthy, like religious fundamentalism.