I finished another urban landscape this morning. It was mostly done already but needed some fine tuning. I now have two paintings of the Cincinnati Ave and 1-10 intersection. I think I may have turned a corner with my work. I have wanted to make paintings with high contrast but have struggled with it. I’ve always been too afraid to go too cool with my colors. I was afraid the shadows would appear blue instead of the color I was seeing. But, now that I’ve taken the risk, I can see the effect cooling down shadows has. It’s what I’ve been missing.
I’ve taken so many drawing and painting classes over the years. I was a Fine Arts major when I first went to college, but after a year and a half I started getting afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make a living as an artist, so I switched. I listened to all those Talking Heads discrediting arts and humanities degrees. It’s so destructive. I’m beginning to think that people who dismiss Fine Art degrees as valuable are people who lack inner guidance. Or people who feel dominated by people who don’t believe in them.
I’ve always struggled with the contrast between the two camps of Talking Heads. Some people say you can do anything you put your mind to while others warn that certain choices lead to failure. Which is it? Can I succeed if I’m passionate about something? What if I’m not passionate? What if I just think this a good idea right now? I guess one camp is coming from trust while the other is coming from fear. I lived a lot of years in fear.
It’s taken me a long time to figure out what living an inner-directed life looks like. I’m still working on it, still learning how to do it. I didn’t realize that as an artist I wasn’t running an inner-directed business. I was listening to talking heads. I was letting all the (most likely) self-centered comments I’ve heard throughout my life drive my decisions. I’ve lived in fear.
But what better profession than an art or humanities profession? What better profession is there than artist, lover of philosophy or literature? Or languages? These are the degrees that force one to live inner-directed lives. There’s no clear path. We have to make it up ourselves. We have to figure out where we will fit, what we can do with our passions.
I often think about starting over. If had it to do all over again, or, if I was going to college now this is what I’d do. I saw a billboard the other day advertising degrees in IT security. I assume that’s the current fad career path. I have no criticism of it. I could probably get interested in it myself. But what if your passion isn’t the current fad? Or worse, what if your passion is the current three-legged dog people are kicking? Everyone’s got an opinion.
What is the role of my inner-guidance in my business? In my career? Am I listening? Consulting? Am I dismissing ideas I get because they seem too far-fetched or unrealistic? Do I believe in myself? Believe that I can have a life I love? It seems like it would be an easy question to answer, but is it?
It’s hard when so much of what you hear is struggle. Everyone’s having a hard time. Life is tough. Many people are getting left behind. It’s not fair for certain people to toot their own horn because compared to someone else they’re privileged. But what if the news was about people getting breaks? About people finding success? Would I want to hear about it? Would I get discouraged if all society talked about was who’s fortunes are turning up?
I am new to being a full-time artist, and I don’t have a lot of financial success to share about, but it has been (one of) the best eight months of my life. I have grown so much. The fears and anxieties that have surfaced have gotten me in touch with things I need to face. There’s no reason why this can’t work, and eventually I will figure it out. Those things I know are true. I have found a great set of tools, a mentor, and a community of like-minded people working toward the same goals. And, I am learning to look within myself for the answers I truly need.