I set up my easel outside this morning and started a painting of my house. I thought I would paint it and use it as advertising for ‘house portraits’. I’ll put it on my neighborhood Facebook group and see if I can get some business. Ironically, while I was out there a neighbor whom I’d never met, stopped to chat. She shared that she was really inspired seeing me out there painting. It was cool. We talked and I told her about the house portraits and she suggested posting it in the neighborhood newsletter. I’ve lived in my house 14 years and I never knew there was a neighborhood newsletter. She graciously said she’s drop it off the next time she gets one. It was sweet.
Things like that remind me that there are good people out there. Not just good, but great. I like to make mental notes of things like that, remind myself that, although I’m constantly flooded with bad news and things to worry about, there are positive things to notice too. She was friendly and it made me feel friendly. I appreciate her stopping just to say Thanks for doing what you’re doing. To say, You inspire me. That’s pretty cool.
I’ve spent a lot of years trying to check my relationships. I’ve been learning how much of my energy is spent trying to get my needs met by others. Years ago I was introduced to what ‘codependency’ is. It’s complex, and when you’re in the grip of it, it’s cunning and baffling. Back then I was under the assumption that everything I wanted and everything I needed, from love to comfort and stability, were things I needed to get from others. I was what they call ‘looking for love in all the wrong places.”
I did things because I thought I was going to get something in return. I wasn’t a giver. I was a taker. I was scared, insecure, and immature. I wanted a hero, a savior, a rescuer. I wanted someone to come make all the fear go away. But, at the same time I didn’t want anyone to know how desperate and needy I was. I was doing one thing but acting another. It was misery and I always felt that I’d been wronged. I always thought that it was other people who were letting me down or betraying me or using me. I was a blamer and shamer.
It’s hard to look back and remember those times.
What I’ve learned over the years is that I can get my emotional needs met on my own. What it requires is living an inner-directed life. Having a Higher Power turns my attention inward. So when I’m full of blame, when I’m defensive and certain that someone has done me wrong, I can turn my attention inward and work through my resentments. I can look at what’s at the root of my anger. I’ve mentioned this before, but when I look under the surface, I usually find that the true source of my rage is usually myself. It’s usually because I’ve let myself down, because I’ve acted selfishly, because I’ve been afraid and dishonest with myself and others about what I feel. I can turn my back on myself as well as anyone else.
When I was bitter and deprived my life felt scarce and empty. I felt without - without love, respect, and dignity. But as I’ve grown I’ve come to appreciate the little things, like someone stopping to say You inspire me. It means a lot. In fact, it means a great deal. She didn’t have to do that, but the fact that she did, let me know that I’m not isolated in this world I live in. People notice me, and I matter. Not more or less than anyone else. But I make a difference, and knowing that opens my eyes to the fact that others make a difference too.