I finished two paintings today. Pan American Branch Library and the reproduction of my grandmother’s portrait are finished. I feel pretty good, I’m not going to lie. It’s a relief and a sense of accomplishment to finish a piece.
I’ve said this before, but when I read about artists it always sounds like they knew exactly what they were doing, that their entire oeuvre was planned out in advance. I have no idea what I’m doing. I know what I like and I know what feels good when I’m finished. I know each step. Sometimes I experiment with a step and decide it wasn’t right. Then I choose a step in a different direction and see how that goes.
I guess that’s the benefit of writing about a painter’s history, especially if they’re dead. A retrospective is easy to analyze but confusing to read about and apply to your own work. Lately when I’ve been waking up in the morning, I’ve been reveling in the fact that I have the freedom to follow my gut, to listen to my heart, to live an inner-directed life. I have the freedom to make art that way too, and that’s a dream come true for me.
Twenty years ago I spent two summers working at a summer camp as a photographer. Each year, after camp ended, I went on extended road trips with friends. The first year we spent three weeks driving to Seattle and the second year we spent four weeks on the road. They were some of the best times of my life.
For years I tried to figure out what was so uplifting and magical about those trips. I wondered if I needed to hit the road and live a nomadic life. Other times I thought it was nature I needed, sleeping outside, sitting in front of a campfire. I think it was both of those things combined with the spontaneity of road trips. We were headed to the northwest. That’s all we knew. And there was no rush. We took it day by day.
That is the life I’ve wanted. A creative, spontaneous life. A life where I know the general direction I’m headed but can make up the specifics as I go. I’ve wanted to be creative and free to chose what feels best, right now. I’ve had a tough time getting there. I believed, for years, that living that way was irresponsible. Childish. But I kept wanting it, and eventually I discovered that I was living my dream.
I was asked the other day, What would you do and how would you live if your boss and CEO was a loving Higher Power? It was hard to consider at first, but then I considered what I feel with a human boss and CEO. A human boss and CEO gives orders, tells me what to do, tries to get out of me what they can without compensating me too much. Human bosses I’ve had have always felt intimidating. They’ve felt like people I need to please, people who hold the reins in my life. But a God, Source Energy, a Higher Power as a boss?
First and foremost, I wouldn’t know who I am anymore if that were the case. I have been defensive and intimidated by authority figures since elementary school. I have played games, been passive aggressive, felt unworthy and undeserving. I’m a little embarrassed to admit all of this, but it’s true. I tried to hide it, tried to play along as much as possible, but deep down I felt no trust and no love. Having a Higher Power as my boss changes everything, and I’m happy to consider it.