I’m in a bit of a slump today. On Friday it will be one year since my grandmother died. She died peacefully in hospice, so it wasn’t tragic or shocking, but when she died my life changed pretty dramatically. I was employed by her for almost 20 years, first as a personal money manager, then as a companion, then as a caregiver. In the end I was all three. I managed her finances, took care of her bills, insurances, correspondence, you name it I did it. I was a driver and at times a cook. We lived separately, but I was very involved in her life and well-being.
When she died I started to work full-time as an artist. It was something I was doing before I started working for her. My job was supposed to supplement my income from my artwork, but over time, my artwork faded to the background and I focused almost entirely on my job. I wasn’t always happy about it, but it’s what happened. At the time I considered it to be similar to being a say-at-home parent. Sometimes you’re dreams fade to background as you fulfill other commitments and you’re just not motivated or energized to do it all.
So when she died there was a part of me that was looking forward to focusing on art again. It has been quite a year. I miss her. I miss the security I had. I miss the predictability and monotony of my routine. I miss knowing what I could expect. I wasn’t making a lot of money, in fact a lot of people asked my how I was able to make ends meet, but it was reliable, and that has been hard to live without.
I’m not used to having to hustle for clients and there are days that I’m just not up for it. But, I have the desire to keep trying, to keep at it, and that gives me hope. I want this to work, and I know that if I don’t give up it will. I have faith, maybe not always in myself, but I have faith that if I focus on making the work, day in and day out, that eventually it will sell.
I want to stay positive and maybe that’s all I want to write today. My work is good enough and every day it’s getting better. I’m a writer. I’ve got two finished novels and two in the works. I sit down at the computer to write every morning and sometimes throughout the day. I stand at the easel every morning and paint. I often supplement that with drawing exercises and color mixing. I post a blog every day, and I regularly post videos of my creative process on my YouTube channel. I’m hardly slacking.
But what does it take to be a successful artist? Or, successfully self-employed? What does it take to say, I deserve my dream life and do it? I’m not on my own. There are a lot of people out there trying to do the same thing as me, and we’re all hardworking and determined.
I believe there is a non-physical dimension to everything we’re doing, and tapping into that dimension makes a difference. I’ve seen it work in other areas of my life. I know it’s effective and I know how powerful it its. I’m practicing patience. I’m giving myself time. I’m allowing myself to grow, to grow into this new life and to grow as a self-employed, full-time artist. But some days I find myself slumping. I know it won’t last, but I just need to say that’s where I am today.