I’m having one of those days. I don’t mean to complain, but I guess I’m going to. It was so hard to wake up. I fell asleep during meditation. And I’m carrying some stress, fear, and hurt that I can’t shake. Yesterday I told my business mentor about all my commissions and he asked if I had written, signed contracts with them. When I said no his reaction terrified me. He didn’t really say anything, but what I heard was, “Oh, you’re screwed. And you’re a fool.”
Now, this is what I heard. This is what I made his tone mean. As we talked he said, ‘You’re in a good place, and you can’t be somewhere you’re not. You’re going to continue to grow. You’ll get where you need to be.’ I think he was trying to put me at ease, but the damage was done. And the damage was mostly due to my own head.
I made verbal agreements with neighbors and friends for commissioned paintings. Most of those agreements were in writing, through messages and texts. So, in a way I have informal written agreements. I may be fooling myself, but that’s what I came up with to make myself feel better.
This morning I went on Instagram and looked up several artists who seem to have healthy careers and I plan to reach out and ask them what they think. My mentor is not an artist, not a painter, so neither of us knows how this works in the art world. Is the art world formal, with written contracts? Is it informal? Either way I need to do some research instead of being upset and in the dark.
My mentor has been crucial to my growth as an artist, as a professional, and as a business owner. I’m not upset with him in any way, but I’m freaked out by his response. I don’t want to be in danger, especially financial danger. Although I don’t foresee any of the clients I’ve met with this week being problematic much less dangerous, my issue is just the fact that I felt judged. I felt like a clueless and inadequate business person, and that button unleashed a lot of shame.
I’m sure I will be ok. My gut tells me that I’m fine, which really is all that counts. I’m not only learning to be a professional artist but how to live an inner directed life. My business mentor is not my boss, my CEO, nor my God. He’s just a kind, helpful person sharing his own experiences with me. Ultimately, I’m the one who needs to make the decisions.
I appreciate his feedback. I appreciate that he sees written contracts as a sign of a professional. Maybe I should. Maybe a big part of my problem in life, from selling artwork, to getting work done on my house, is that I want everything to remain informal, which to me means ‘unscary’. Maybe I need to be willing to take things a little more seriously. Perhaps a written contract not only helps me but helps my clients as well.