Happy Birthday to me. Well, happy belated birthday to me. Yesterday was my b-day and I went out to breakfast and ate too many pumpkin pancakes. It was good day, although I’m still trying to process being 50. I don’t feel 50 at all. I feel like I’m in my late 30’s, to be honest. But my body knows I’m 50. Yes, my body knows I’m 50.
This morning I worked (and finished) the church commission. I will post a photo of it once the client has seen it. I’m happy with it. It’s not what I imagined it was going to look like in the end but they never are. This was more surprising because I didn’t have a good reference photo. I did a lot of playing around which was fun and I’m looking forward to seeing what the client thinks.
I also started a new dog portrait. It’s a portrait of two dogs together sitting in front of a window. I think it’s going to be fun to paint because it’s back lit. I always like the drama.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about spirituality. More so than usual. I had a thought the other day about all the things I think I’d like to do - places I’d like to visit, achievements I’d like to pursue (and manifest) - but then it hit me that when I let all that go and focus instead on feeling present and aware those things work out the way they’re meant to. When I get out of the way, my desires work out on their own.
There was a time when I started focusing on spirituality because I was trying to find peace. I was stressed about all the things I was trying to do and make happen in my life and I needed help. I was going to find tools to feel more at ease and then make the stuff happen that I wanted to see happen. But I started to enjoy the tools. I started to prefer focusing on the tools instead of the things I thought I wanted and needed.
I guess it’s priorities. I stopped feeling like I needed material things and material manifestations in order to be happy. I stopped wanting to prove myself, stopped wanting to control how others see me. Focusing on stillness, or on awareness, seemed to make the day-to-day relationships and circumstances work out better.
When I was growing up I went to a school that was competitive and challenging. It was for parents who wanted their kids to be high achievers. But achieving wasn’t something I did well. I wanted to, but it seemed like the harder I tried the harder I failed. When I threw caution to the wind, however, things seemed to go my way. What I realize now is that I was living along spiritual principles without knowing it. I was letting go and letting God, as they say, and the desired outcomes were manifesting, sometimes even better than I had imagined.
It’s not not caring. It’s focusing on what I can and letting go of the struggle. As a teenager I thought throwing caution to the wind was irresponsible, so I never really appreciated it when things worked out that way. It was driven in to my head that one had to struggle, dig deep, and work hard to be worthy of their achievements. I wish I could go back and recognize the depth and breath of what I was accomplishing back then, the role spirituality was already playing in my life.