What do you do when you think a client doesn’t like a painting? Ugh. It’s a horrible feeling. But we talked through text so maybe I’m being hard on myself? She said it was cute, but I was hoping for, “I love it!!” She gave me her address and I will pack it up and send it once it dries.
I showed the painting to a friend who’s a docent at a local museum. She likes the painting and thinks it’s surreal. So maybe not all is lost. It was definitely a tough painting for me to do. I’m not very experienced with nocturnes and this gave me a run for my money. My client commissioned the painting for her fiancé, so maybe he’ll love it.
Yesterday was a very stressful day. While I was having that exchange with my client I was also trying to sign up for health insurance through the marketplace. Apparently, there are no affordable insurance plans that have my current doctor in network. Do you think they do that on purpose? I’ve been on Obamacare since it started and it seems as if every few years I have to get a new doctor because of that.
Needless to say yesterday was an upsetting day. My health is wonky (I just turned 50), I may have to find a new doctor or cough up dough I don’t have, and my client didn’t react the way I hoped to the painting I did for them. I’m still a little stressed over it but ironically I was just writing about spirituality. Was it yesterday? I don’t remember but I guess right about now I could use some of that advice.
I’ve turned a lot of things over to my Higher Power. I’ve let go and let great spirit, God, the benevolent energy of the Universe, whatever, with positive results. So maybe it’s time to turn my body over. Maybe it’s time to stop believing I need to control this sack of fluid and flesh I’m in. I mean, eventually I’m going to die. It doesn’t come with me.
I don’t know when I first heard that I need to take care of my health. I guess it was growing up taking sports or even just going to gym class or PE. Part of the school curriculum was health and staying healthy. Then I heard doctors or journalists saying things about what to eat, how much to exercise, how much sleep to get in order to live a long healthy life and that’s what I did. I did it all to the ’T’.
But now I’m getting older. Things are not working. My knuckles are swelling and my joints are stiff. My eyes are getting worse. My back hurts. Menopause is a constant worry. Am I going to go through it without too many trials and tribulations? I would give anything to slide into it without another thought about it. But I don’t have control over it. I can’t control my body and that hurts. After all I’ve done to stay healthy, it hurts to realize that there’s only so much you can do.
I’m turning my body over to a Higher Power. I’m letting go of needing to control my health. That does’t mean I’m going to stop exercising or eating well. I do those things now just because they feel good. But I am going to stop stressing and worrying. I’m going to stop panicking and going down that rabbit hole of wondering if I need to go to a doctor for every little ache and pain, every little change that happens. It’s easier said than done, but I get a sense that it is what would bring me the most serenity now, and I could really use that.