I finished another painting of Thomas Jefferson High School. It’s an exterior shot with the name of the school and the dome rising up above. I wasn’t expecting to finish it but as I was working I realized I was happy with a lot of it and sometimes you just need to call things ‘done’.
After I painted I did some color mixing. I used Cadmium Yellow Light and mixed it with the four greens I have: Sap Green, Corbet Green, Chromium Oxide Green, and Permanent Green Light. It’s come to my attention over the past year that color mixing is as important for painting as drawing, so I’ve been doing that after I finish working. At first I thought it was something I would do in the afternoons, but I kept procrastinating and putting it off because I didn’t want to get all my paints out again and set up my easel. Now it works and most days (sometimes I forget) I spend some time color mixing. Eventually I will have a sense of what all the colors I have do together.
What is resistance? Steven Pressfield talks about it in his book The War of Art and I’ve been thinking about how it shows up in my life. Procrastination is one way. I kept thinking, I should do some color mixing, but then it would never happen, which is such a frustrating thing to go through when you know that it would be good for you, or good for your career. Resistance, no matter how it shows up, is heartbreaking.
One thing I’ve found that helps motivate me is setting a timer. The other day I wanted to do some video editing but just couldn’t get myself to do it. So I decided to set a timer and give myself 25 minutes to work on it, then I could call it quits. Well, after 25 minutes was up I still wanted to work on it. It’s amazing how that happens. There’s something about getting started that has me put it off. I don’t want to move the computer (laptop!). It’s laziness but it’s resistance. I don’t want to put the effort in. Why bother? I ask myself. So some of procrastination for me is laziness but some of it is self-doubt.
My mornings are structured. I get up at a specific time and have very specific things I do: yoga, meditation, creative writing, breakfast, support group meeting (over the phone), and paint. All that takes me until about 11am. After that I blog and eat lunch. After lunch my day is unstructured. I either draw or run errands or write in my journal or read. It helps to set the timer in the afternoons. It helps meet get stuff done, otherwise I’d just be scrolling through social media or playing solitaire.
For many years resistance was fear. I was afraid to try (afraid to fail). I was afraid of my autonomy (art is personal, an expression of my Self). I was afraid of what others would think, being judged as ‘not enough’. Afraid to carve out the time (I was committed to others, thinking that was what I needed). And I was afraid to commit to my dreams, afraid my dreams weren’t important.
I still feel resistance and I probably always will. The opposite of resistance isn’t action, it’s awareness. I need to be awake and aware in my life so I can make choices and know why I’m making those choices. Procrastination can be procrastination, but it can also be my body, or my wiser self telling me ‘This isn’t the right action’.