I finished my painting of Tobin Branch Library today. It seems like it could go on and on forever, but I think that’s just me understanding that I am not as good as I will get. Perhaps my next painting will be far better than this one, or perhaps just a tiny bit better. Either way, I am a work in progress. I know it’s a cliche, but if life is a journey there is no ending. There is no completion or graduation. When I’m ‘finishing’ a painting I’m aware on a deeper level that it could be better. I don’t see that as failure, as not working hard enough or smart enough. I just see it as my deeper self knowing that this journey continues. I started painting 16 years ago and I will hopefully keep painting another 16, 20, 30 years. Maybe longer. Who knows where I’ll be in the future, but I imagine I will still be feeling as if my ‘finished’ painting could be better.
I would love to continue that as a discussion if anyone is interested. It comes from a spiritual belief/teaching that we never get it done, that we are always evolving beings. I remember my first new car. It was a 2001 VW Jetta. It was silver with black leather interior. Manual transmission. It was awesome. I had just finished my degree and I felt on top pf the world. But pretty soon the high wore off. I continued to love that car, but it became a tool to get from A to B and it was a responsibility that needed constant maintenance and upkeep, like all cars do if you want them to last. Even joy wears off.
It’s taken me a long time to accept that. As a young adult I wanted to find that plateau. I was convinced that I was working hard to get to a place where I could rest and spend the rest of my life just enjoying the ‘fruits of my labor’. I think I was highly misguided. I had misinterpreted what I’d been told. Now when I feel the need for finality or completion I remind myself that it’s not supposed to ever get done. We are supposed to feel satisfied and then move on to the next goal, dream, or desire.
I try to spend time drawing each day. I’ve always known that this was an important tool for painters but it wasn’t until recently that I actually started to take it seriously. I try not to get bogged down in whether it’s a ‘good’ drawing or not. I try to just practice hand-eye-coordination and then let it go. Before, I felt self conscious about my sketch books. What if people look at them (in the future when I’m dead and famous;)) and they think my sketches are terrible and so I must have been a subpar artist? It’s amazing the things I will avoid doing in life because of the stories I make up about what others will think or say. I will add that in the past I would never have admitted to these stories. How embarrassing that I would be so insecure and codependent.
So, today I have crossed off another step in my goal of painting local libraries. It feels like a satisfying albeit small accomplishment (there are 30 branches), but in keeping with what just flowed out of me in this blog I am one step closer to where I want to get, and that feels good. I am currently reading Library: An Unquiet History by Matthew Battles. I am learning more about the history of libraries and will share more as I get further into the book. I can see why our founding fathers were impressed with ancient Greece. Libraries, and those responsible for their care, have passed on so much knowledge through the millennia, despite the fires, floods, and pillaging. I hope that the passing on of knowledge will continue for another millennia.