It’s Monday morning and I’m back to work. I spent some time downtown this weekend doing some sketching and watercolors. I did a study of the Arneson River Theater along with some street scenes. It was hot. I think it hit 106 that day. I was there in the morning but by 2:00 when I got back to my neighborhood the heat was brutal. It’s not fun to walk down a city street in the middle of the day when it’s hitting triple digits. But I still love living here. If you’ve been to central Texas in the summer you know how unbelievably uncomfortable it can be, but for me, it feels like home.
Downtown was pretty busy. Despite the temperatures there were a lot of tourists down there and I found myself doing more people-watching than sketching. I think I will have to get in a routine of going down there to sketch. It was fun. Eventually I’d like to get my easel down there but I’ll have to figure that out later. Even if I drove down there and parked in an overpriced garage I’d still have to carry my easel around. I have looked into getting a smaller easel so I can take it on trails to do landscapes, so maybe this is more incentive to do that.
I worked on Collins Garden today. I have trouble painting dappled light. I’m sure a less critical person would say it looks fine but when it’s my work I have a hard time being satisfied. I just can’t seem to figure out the right contrast. I either do the shadow too dark or too light. I’ll just have to keep plugging away at it. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
I seem to be unintentionally writing a political blog here. I listen to a lot of podcasts while I work and they’re usually political. Today I listened to one I’ve never listened to before called Uncommon Ground. I really like the idea of it, which is to interview people from different sides of the political spectrum. Every Friday I watch the PBS Newshour so I can hear David Brooks and Jonathan Capeheart give a conservative and liberal take, respectively, on the weeks news. I appreciate hearing people share who aren’t trying to defend themselves or create conflict.
On the podcast today was Bill Bratton talking about police reform. He is a more right leaning, former police commissioner who has spent time in different large cities trying to tackle crime and police reformation. He admitted that a lot of police officers and police chiefs see blue and think, there can’t possibly be any wrong-doing. That, I believe is the crux of our problem - not that police officers love law enforcement and support each other, but that people are unable to accept that they too, cause harm.
The older I get the more I am learning that in order to be a truly cooperative being, to really get along with others and be part of something unified, I have to accept that I cause harm. We usually think that causing harm makes you a bad person. Often I cause harm unintentionally. If I can’t accept that, if I’m unable or unwilling to allow others to point out my bad behavior, I am going to have a hard time getting along with others. I grew up in a household with parents who, in my opinion, were saturated with shame and a sense of inadequacy. So getting angry, being hurt by their words or actions, got you nowhere. There were almost no apologies from them, which left me feeling that people get away with things that are not right. As a young adult I saw myself as a victim, always getting the short end of the stick, always watching others get away with things.
It’s taken me a long time to understand that many people can’t apologize. It’s not just police officers. I’m not that good at apologizing, but I’m getting better. I’m getting better at understanding that when I’m scared I usually become selfish and self-seeking, and that when I’m stuck in that mindset I also start being dishonest. I get defensive. I try to stay mindful of my feelings so I’m not scared and therefore not selfish, self-seeking, and dishonest. But fear happens. It’s inevitable.
I was painting at a high school the other day. One of our libraries is at a local high school and I was a little nervous about being there. I went inside the library and introduced myself to the police officer so he would know what I was up to. As I was standing outside painting, I started wondering what it’s like to be a kid in high school these days with police everywhere. Do kids feel inherently bad because they need to be policed? When I was a kid I never saw a police officer or security guard at school. If we’re over-policed, what are the consequences?
Bill Batton said that when he was police commissioner in New York in the 90’s they reduced crime significantly using tactics that eventually became controversial in communities of color. He admits, all these years later, that those initial aggressive tactics needed to be discontinued once the crime rate dropped because they led to racial profiling and leaving large communities believing they were inherently bad. After listening to the podcast I believe, as the host Van Jones said, policing is a really tough issue. It seems like a balancing act.
I’ve always been fascinated with social issues, with how to get along and create a peaceful society. I’ve also been fascinated with personal relationships and how to get along better with others. I want to be someone who can get along. Thirty years ago, as a young adult, I wanted things I felt deprived of - love, appreciation, validation, recognition, and respect. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that being focused on ‘getting’ doesn’t really get me much. If it’s possible for me to contribute anything to society, I would like to contribute that. Our society seems so hurt, so deprived, and so resentful. We’re all demanding so much from our leaders, from our government, and institutions. What if we stopped demanding? What if we stopped being so focused with ‘getting’? It seems like that alone could reduce the tension levels dramatically.