The Polegreen Church commission is packed and ready to go to the post office. When I took a last look at it this morning I realized I like it. It’s different but I think it captures the essence of Christmas. The client is getting married there in December so that was the intention.
I primed three 11x14 boards today for the house portraits. Two are commissions from my acupuncturist (he and his husband’s home and a friend’s home a few blocks away) and the third is a commission from a neighbor who lives around the corner. My neighbor’s house is one I walk by all the time, so it’s cool to get to paint it.
Don’t tell anyone but I’m listening to Holiday Instrumentals. I know, I know. It’s actually nice. The instrumentals are quiet and relaxing and they give a hint of the holidays. I couldn’t handle Holiday Hits right now. That was actually the station I hit first and it was Mariah Carey. I’m not ready for that. It needs to be December before I can get, “Ohhh, I… don’t want a lot for…” No. Too early in the season. I like Vince Guaraldi station too. It’ll get played a lot.
I heard something yesterday that I liked. It was about fear and anxiety. A woman said, “If it’s not going to kill you in the next two minutes it’s not a real fear.” This morning, when I first woke up, I immediately started to feel anxious. I think it was just momentum from the week I’ve had. I have gone through everything going on in my life right now and there’s nothing to be afraid or worried about. Life is good. Yes, there are things that are weighing on me, but life is good. So I asked myself this morning, “Is this going to kill you in the next two minutes?” It kind of made me laugh because there I was snug in bed listening to the rain. The answer was No.
I felt the tension leave my body and it was such a relief. I’ve lived with a lot of fear and anxiety over the years and sometimes there’s just no rhyme or reason for it. I think when I get upset, the thoughts can build on themselves and then the emotions build too. That momentum can be hard to let go of once it gets going. So when I ask myself what’s bothering me and I can’t find an answer I assume it’s just momentum that still wants to move and do its thing.
The two things that get my anxiety going are money and my health. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I am getting better about money but my health still gets me. I’m trying to rethink my relationship with my body. My mentor said to me last night, “We’re not getting any younger.” And I realized that if I want a life of ease and serenity then I’m going to have to rethink my ideas and beliefs about my body and my health. A lot pf people have health crisis. A lot of people get hysterectomies when they get older. A lot of people need CAT scans and MRI’s just to make sure that growths are not malignant. And a lot of people get cancer and survive it.
As a healthy adult, I’d like to think that I’m less afraid of dying than of being sick. It’s easy to say now, when I’m sitting here without any acute health problems, I realize that, but what really upsets me, what I scare myself over, is the thought of having to make choices I don’t want to make. Do you battle cancer with chemo and radiation? Do you find another approach? Do you have a hysterectomy? Or continue struggling with the symptoms and look for an alternative? I don’t terrorize myself over thoughts of dying. It saddens me to think about it, but it doesn’t scare me.
So what I’ve been trying to do the past few days is ease the thoughts I have about getting sick, about needing a doctor to either prescribe some crazy big-pharma medication with a million side effects or get surgery. I don’t want to live in fear of tough choices. I have friends and lean on. I have a support network. I have tools to help me take positive action. People go through health crisis and survive. They move on. They accept their fate and sometimes even benefit from treatment. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
It’s kind of like letting go of outcomes. I do a lot to stay healthy. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I eat well. I exercise regularly. I work with a chiropractor and an acupuncturist. I go to a conventional doctor every year for check ups. I’m not irresponsible. But at the same time, I can’t control what happens. I can’t keep myself from getting sick. I can just do my best at staying healthy.