Growing up I was often told, “You have potential.” It was usually followed up with, If you only cared more, If you worked harder, If you were more focused. It was confusing. Deep down I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t getting good grades or improving in sports. I too wanted to see myself achieve things, and the fact that I wasn’t seemed like a mystery to everyone, including myself, and the only solution offered was: be more, do more, which sounds a lot like, You’re not enough.
I realized over the weekend that I have looked at myself as my potential as opposed to seeing myself for who I’ve actually been. I’ve used my ‘potential’ as my credential, as in, “You may be a doctor, but I have potential.”
It was pretty humbling to see this. I love a good epiphany, but sometimes they hurt. The truth is that I spent a lot of years coping and surviving. I spent a lot of my childhood like a deer in headlights, shocked and frozen. I was so overwhelmed with the things going on in my life that achievement was something I couldn’t really focus on. If it got done, that was enough.
So now what? Now that I’ve had this insight, what do I do with it? For starters I stop judging myself and others by their achievements. I can admire someone for what they’ve accomplished, but I can also acknowledge that I don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. I don’t know what people are up against and why their lives look the way they do. And, I can also forgive myself.
It’s a relief to be able to let go of the past. I have spent the past year and a half trying to look back and uncover clues as to who I am and how I got here. I know there were a lot of people in my life who wanted me to do well, to be happy and to feel good about myself. It wasn’t up to them to raise me perfectly or to know the inner working of my psyche. I think part of being a responsible adult is taking an inventory. Who am I? What makes me tick? It’s not just about achievements or credentials.
Over the weekend I was listening to someone talk about her business and her relationships and I became judgmental and afraid. It was one of those, You spot it, you got it moments when you’re triggered by someone who’s exactly like you. It was tough.
I want to be someone specific. I want to be someone who fits in and is highly regarded whether it’s based in the truth or not. I want to be respected and sometimes, without realizing it, I get into the habit of acting respectable. That's not necessarily bad, but when I’m doing it, I’m not acting authentic. I’m putting on a show, thinking I really got people in the palm of my hand. But what if I just acted authentically and that turned out to be respectable?
There’s nothing I can do if someone doesn’t like me. There’s nothing I can do if someone doesn’t respect me or hold me in high regard. I’m powerless over others. I have been fighting against that my entire life, terrified of rejection and condescension. But I’m learning to let go. I may be someone who hasn’t lived up to their potential. Or I may be someone who’d done just fine and is still growing and learning (creating and achieving). I don’t have to use my potential, some arbitrary, made-up thing, to make myself look better than I am. And I don’t have to use it as a way to punish myself for not making others satisfied.