Have you ever taken steps to make a change and no matter how hard you try you just don’t get there? That’s where I am today. I have been trying to get commissions, trying to hang my artwork, trying to find a literary agent, and it just feels like nothing is panning out. I need new ideas or inspiration or something. I talked to the owner of a coffee shop Friday and he was really positive about hanging my work. But, he needed to talk to his guy who organizes the artists and artwork first. Made sense. I haven’t heard from him so this morning I texted and haven’t heard back. Now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m getting ghosted.
I haven’t had anyone tell me that my paintings are bad. Most people are really supportive and encouraging, so I don’t think the problem is that I’m not good enough. I know everyone has their own opinions, but when I do a commission, people are usually satisfied if not excited. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe it’s my attitude. Maybe it’s something I’m projecting that’s keeping this from working.
I have been learning a lot about sales and marketing over the past year and I’ll be honest, it’s not my thing. It has never resonated with me, but I’ve chosen a career that requires it so I need to figure out how to like it, or at least pretend to. I’m sure that is a big part of why I’m not doing well. It’s hard for me to fake it.
That’s where new ideas and inspiration come in. How can I loosen up? How can I be more positive about myself and my work? How can I assure perspective clients that what they’re getting is a good deal? That anyone would want a piece of artwork by me? I guess the trick is figuring out how to like myself more and like what I do more.
I’ve had people read my manuscripts and they’ve been positive. One friend said she cried at the end. The other said when she got to the second half of the book she couldn’t put it down. I knew she enjoyed it and that made me happy. But for some reason I can’t get a literary agent to read it. Again, I start to wonder about myself. Is my query letter convincing? Am I selling myself? Or am I doing a half-assed job?
I think the answer is obvious.
I’d like to change my attitude. One positive note is that I haven’t considered giving up. I’m hitting walls, but I’m not throwing in the towel. I can figure this out. Like a lot of things it’s a process of self-discovery. Ultimately, as an artist, I’m not selling my work, I’m selling myself. I’m selling a piece of myself, an expression of myself, and that’s what I need to believe in. That’s what I need to tell people is worth it. At the same time, that’s what’s difficult. I don’t like tooting my own horn and I don’t like bragging about myself. Even being confident sometimes feels like cockiness. But business isn’t about staying small. It’s about carving out space for yourself and saying you deserve it.