Just a Little Rant

I feel like every time I want to print something I need to buy new ink cartridges and then go ahead and buy a new printer. I just spent an hour troubleshooting my printer and still can’t figure it out. Perhaps the ink cartridge is too old? I think I’ve had it a year, or whenever I got my printer. Maybe not that long ago. It’s got the same number as the one in there but it WILL. NOT. PRINT. 

I know why businesses no longer have customer service. I wanted to throw the printer across the room and then punch a customer service representative in the face. There’s got to be a better way. There’s got to be a way for people like me, who print two pieces of paper a month, to print stuff without going through this hassle.

Two weeks ago I drove to Austin for a day-long meditation course. It took me an hour and a half to get there, and if you’re familiar with the San Antonio to Austin stretch of I-35 you know that’s unreal. But it took me two and a half hours to get home. I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for no reason other than people rubber necking at someone pulled off the side of the road.

I sat there for at least half an hour and I was getting extremely upset. I am a homebody for that very reason: in order to avoid traffic and the stress of living in an overpopulated world. But I had a little talk with myself and realized that I need to change.

I need to rethink how I look at the world. Yes, there are now 8 billion people on the planet. It takes way to long to get to Austin from San Antonio these days. And yes, large corporations no longer offer customer service because they’re so big and because they don’t have to. Also, because when we call we’re so outraged we make people cry.

Life is frustrating. It’s hard to live on the planet with so many other people, with so many who need and want so much. It’s hard to live on the planet when you feel so small and insignificant, when you can’t get help for little things like printers. It’s hard when you just want to drive home without any hassle but everyone else on the road wants to stare at a van on the side of the road.

But I want to stop being upset about it. I want to accept it. I don’t know when I realized I feel like a sardine. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point along the way I discovered that so much of my anxiety is because I don’t know anyone anymore. I don’t know HP. I don’t know where to go to get help with my printer. I don’t know how to work the app. There’s no phone number to call, no person to talk to.

I don’t know when I started to feel crowded and claustrophobic, but I do. I feel out-of-sorts and irritable. I would like things to work because then I won’t have to worry about troubleshooting (which could take two minutes or forever). But until the world changes, until people realize that corporate business is bad for morale, I will learn to change my attitude. This stuff isn’t going to change, and I’m powerless to do anything about it. It’s beyond my control and I would like to be happy rather than be right.

Hello Neighbor

When I was growing up I lived twenty minutes from Andrew Wyeth. Every time we drove by Keurner’s Farm I would feel such a deep sense of peace. The fact that Andrew Wyeth reflected that farmhouse back to me, back to all of us, made a deep impact on me. It made me feel connected. It let me know that my home, where I live, the roads I travel on, are seen by eyes other than mine. I would think about the big book of Andrew Wyeth paintings we had on our living room coffee table and recall how he made that simple house inviting and yet private at the same time. 

That’s the special feeling I want to give people through my art. I want to paint as many homes in my neighborhood as I can. I want to capture the space we all share and reflect it back. I want people to look at my work and say, She lives here, She’s one of ours. 

When the new year starts I’ve got a plan. I’m going to make flyers with my contact info on it, pictures of my house portraits and my pet portraits and try and drum up some work. I’ve been thinking a lot about clients, and character, and the types of interactions and working relationships I want to have. I want to bring what I can to others, be of service, contribute to the world around me in some way. I want to expand my business.

I don’t know where this initial step will take me, but the urge to do it felt like it came from my Higher Power, or from my muse, as Steven Pressfield would put it. It felt like inner guidance that shouldn’t be ignored. You gotta start somewhere, and I’m planning on starting, literally, next door.

I also want to get to know my neighbors. I want to be able to drive around the neighborhood and think, Oh such-and-such’s decorations look great, or such-and-such’s landscape is new. I have lived in my neighborhood fourteen years and I only know a handful of people. I think making art for them would be a great way to change that. 

I know aspiring to be like Andrew Wyeth is bold. He was an amazing artist but he also was someone who was focused on what was in front of him. He was focused on his world, not the world out there. I feel that way too. I don’t want to worry about the big broad world. That’s too overwhelming. And, there’s too much going on. I think with social media and now zoom, my world has expanded so far, and there’s so much that I like about that, but I also want to narrow my focus too.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that when we stopped having local newspapers we stopped paying attention to local issues. We had huge turnout in November for the elections but local people are projecting that not even half that number will come out for local elections this spring. We are electing city council members and Mayor and most residents apparently don’t care.

That’s another motivating factor for me. I want to focus locally. I want to find clients here, where I live. I’m not forcing anyone to get a painting of their house or their dog, I’m just offering my services to people who are inspired. People who are moved and excited. That excites me.

Growing Up

I finished the first painting in my Thomas Jefferson High School series. It is a turret that has some cool decorative elements to it. I also tried to add some clouds to the sky, which is not something I normally focus on. Although I’m happy with how these turned out I’d still like to get better at painting them. Practice, practice, practice.

I’m getting a lot out of reading The War of Art. It is just what I needed right now. I’m looking at my character flaws these days and to sum up what I’m seeing is: immature. I am struggling to grow up and act like an adult. For so long I’ve felt like a kid trying to do adult things and although I don’t chastise myself for being immature, it’s not something I want to carry with me. 

Steven Pressfield, in The War of Art, talks a lot about the differences between the professional and the amateur. To me it sounds a lot like the child and the adult. He says that the amateur thinks about the victory while the professional just does the work, believing success will come in its own time and in its own way. The amateur is making art for the glorification, while the professional is making art just because he or she wants to. It is the professional’s chosen vocation and the professional commits to that.

Yesterday in the podcast I listened to, the guest talked about how people have lost their sense of purpose. He claims that now that we understand that we’re just ‘activated matter’, we’re just a bunch of atoms bouncing around, people don’t know how to find meaning and purpose. In his opinion, purpose is something we need to decide. It’s just something we need to chose for ourselves. I make art, and that matters. I’m a painter, and painters matter. Writers and writing matter, so I matter.

When I first heard that suggestion I thought, No, I need to be told I matter. But then I realized that that’s what a child would do. Children need to be mirrored. They need to be esteemed. But adults are responsible for our own confidence. We’re responsible for telling ourselves that we matter, and that what we do with our lives matter. If you grew up hearing that you’re a burden or a pain in the butt, or you grew up being abused (ie, treated like you’re worthless) it can be nearly impossible to esteem oneself. But it doesn’t change the fact that as an adult, it’s no one’s job but ours to decide we’re enough.

So thinking of myself as either behaving like and amateur or a professional is very helpful. I’ve been an amateur far too long. I’ve held back from making art because I didn’t want to do it until I was good. I’m afraid to share my writing because… well, what if it’s not good enough? The amateur needs to be esteemed while the professional simply commits to a vocation and sticks with it. I feel as if that is the corner I’ve been turning over the past year. On one hand it happened over night, but on the other hand, on the emotional and psychological hand, it’s been a process and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tools for Mental Health

This morning I worked on a painting of Thomas Jefferson high school while listening to a podcast about mental health. The school is made up of various shades of yellow and brown - tan, beige, cream - and that can get frustrating after awhile, but as it works out sometimes, I managed to mix just the right color for the stonework. So I was a happy painter as I listened and worked.

I love listening to professionals talk about mental health because, as this guy pointed out, a lot of professionals say stuff that the public never hears because the pharmaceutical industry is heavily invested in people being dependent on prescription drugs. So when the head of the National Alliance on Mental Illness says there’s no such thing as depression, the pharmaceutical industry does what it can to suppress it. 

According to the guest, Eric Maisel, that’s exactly what happened, and most Americans are none the wiser. It’s not a slam on people who use medication, it’s just nice to know that a lot of our medical diagnoses are for treating symptoms not causes. That’s a lot of what they talked about in the podcast. The host shared that he used medication because he was at the end of his rope, but he also knew that it wasn’t a solution. It was a temporary fix.

I had a parent who had a nervous breakdown when I was young. It took over the whole family, drew all of us into its web. My sick parent believed that medication was the only answer, that it was adjusting a chemical imbalance in the brain. My other parent argued that it was possible to get well without a drug dependency. I have to say, for whatever reason, I agreed that it’s possible to get well without a drug dependency.

When I was struggling with depression I believed that I had grown into depression and that I could grow out of it. Maybe I was born sober and melancholy, maybe I was a highly sensitive child, I don’t know. Either way, I believed that I could find my way out of the dark. If you’d asked me ten years ago if I had, I would have answered yes. Today I would say that I’m happier than I was ten years ago. I didn’t know just how happy I could be and I believe there’s still room for me to grow. But I spent about 15 or 20 years working on my mental health and managed to find my way out of depression. It wasn’t easy, and it obviously didn’t happen overnight, but I did it.

A lot of what I discovered were tools for managing the highs and lows. I started practicing tools for keeping me stable. Some of those tools are mediation, eating healthy (avoiding caffeine, sugar, and processed foods), getting rest, not drinking or doing recreational drugs, writing, making art, exercise, and making sure I have people I can talk to. Those are just some of the tools I use in my daily life. I’m someone who maybe didn’t learn a lot of healthy coping mechanisms growing up, so I had to learn them on my own. Some tools that I’ve tried have worked and some haven’t, but I made my focus in life learning to notice what’s going on inside me and responding to it.

It’s validating to hear professionals say that a diagnosis isn’t the end of the story. And it’s validating to hear professionals say that medication isn’t a cure. Both the host and the interviewee agreed that while medication may help with symptoms, it’s not resolving the underlying cause, and reaching the underlying cause is key to mental stability. 

Perhaps because of that early childhood experience, and my own issues with depression, I made mental health my main focus in life. I understand that a lot of people just want to get over their suffering so they can get on with their lives. Accepting that mental health was my life was hard. I too wanted to walk away and focus on other things. But life gives you what it gives you and you either start to deal with that now or later when it’s gotten worse.

The One You Feed podcast with Eric Zimmer, episode 555 with Eric Maisle, PhD.

Just Do It

I’m sitting outside. We’ve had two weeks of cold and rain and today it’s sunny and beautiful. The birds are chirping. It almost feels like spring. Yesterday was nice too, but I drove to Austin for a meditation course which was indoors. During lunch I spent time outside just standing in the sun. That’s all I wanted to do was feel the sun on me.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I am still doing all the things I’ve been doing to get into the holiday spirit - listening to Christmas carols, lighting candles in the mornings when it’s cold and dark - and I think it’s been working. I had the quietest Thanksgiving I’ve probably ever had and it may go down as one of my favorites. There were four of us. We ate and played Mexican Train and talked. That’s my idea of perfect. Also, it rained almost the whole day. I guess rain is the next best thing to cold. I just feel like the holidays should be spent huddled indoors around the hearth, which is what happened.

I started a new painting today. It’s part of my Thomas Jefferson high school series. It’s a painting of a turret that leads to an entrance to the cafeteria. It has a lot of details on it but so far I just blocked in the main colors. I think I’ll end up doing four, full-sized paintings and then some smaller versions, like 8x10 or 11x14. I guess small and full-size are relative to the artist. My full sizes are 16x20 and 18x24.

Thursday I’m meeting a client at a coffee shop up the street where I’d like to hang the paintings when I’m done. It was the client’s suggestion, so I’m thinking it’s some serendipity. I’ve never been there but I’ve seen photos of artist’s work hanging on the walls. 

I’m currently reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I tried reading it before but only got a third of the way through before I took it back to the library. This time around it’s giving me a lot to think about. Actually, it’s kind of blowing me away.

I’m at the beginning where he’s talking about resistance. One thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m afraid. Afraid of just about everything. I’m afraid of failure, afraid of success. I’m afraid of being known, and I’m afraid of being a nobody. 

Somehow I made it to college without maturing much past the age of ten. Maybe not even that. I’ve spent a lot of years wanting to be great, to be lucky, to have it miraculously work out. I wanted life to fill me up because I was empty. I wanted the powers-that-be to make it easy for me so I didn’t have to work at anything.

I’m glad now that none of things happened. The truth is that I wanted to feel like a mature adult. I wanted to discover my autonomy, or what Steven Pressfield refers to as ‘self-sovereignty’. I wanted to feel grown. I feel a lot more grown than I did thirty years ago, but to be honest, I still want to feel grown.

I think I’m able to read the book now because I’m able to hear what he’s saying. I have come to the point in my life where I realize that one just has to work. Just paint. Or write. Or edit. Or whatever it is you do. Just work. Let go of outcomes. If you’re a writer, the publishing will happen. If you’re a painter, the sales will happen. If you’re a filmmaker, the audience will appear. Don’t worry about those things. Just keep working. Keep making it. Creating it.

Classic Novel

I uploaded all my footage from yesterday on my computer last night. This morning I reshot a few things. From what I’ve gathered so far I still think the video I’m making will be a ‘day in the life’ storyline. I’m planning on using subtitles rather than a voice over. 

Yesterday it rained all day and it was dark. Today it’s still raining but it’s not that dark so I don’t want to reshoot too much. I really like the footage I got yesterday. It was pretty bleak at times, but when I shot scenes in the living room I had lights on which warmed it up quite a bit. I’m hoping I can get at least a 12 minute video in the end.

Yesterday and today I started some paintings that I’m doing as Christmas gifts. They’re small so they shouldn’t take too long. I follow a lot of painters who paint small and I’ve always wondered why. Now I get it. You’re finished in two sittings, if that. 

I’ve got two projects I’m currently working on, the I-10 and Fredericksburg intersection and Thomas Jefferson high school. I will spend the next few weeks on them before I leave for Christmas. I’m flying out to Denver for a few days. Not long, about four days. I signed up for a meditation course in January but still haven’t heard if I’ve been accepted. I will email them today and see where I am on the waitlist.

I’m reading the classic book, The Last of the Mohicans. It was written in 1826, almost one hundred years ago, about the French Indian War. The book is set in 1758 around the massacre of Fort William Henry. Even for a one hundred year old book it’s a page turner. I’m usually not interested in books about adventure, especially if there’s fighting, but I’m enjoying it.

I’m familiar with Plains Indians and what happened to a lot of the tribes that existed in the midwest, but I’m not very familiar with the tribes that existed in the North East. Most of the American History I studied was about the Revolutionary War and the battle against Britain; about how we rose up against our perpetrators. But I didn’t study much about the offenses we perpetrated against others.

Both the French and the British involved Native tribes in the wars they waged against each other, and if this book is based in any kind of reality, both countries exploited them as well as blamed them. Native Americans and Europeans had different ways of engaging in warfare, and when Natives didn’t agree, Europeans blamed them (savages). It’s pretty ridiculous when you think about it: How we kill and destroy is more civilized (ie, moral) than how you kill and destroy. Duh. 

It seems as if I’ve been on a Native American theme lately. It started with discovering one of my ancestors was kidnapped by Natives in the 1700’s She was in Missouri and taken for 6 months. Then, a relative of mine suggested I read a book called Captured, about several settlers who were kidnapped as children in the Texas Hill Country. I have to say, after reading Captured, it’s hard to imagine anyone surviving the trauma of it. Some of those kids were kidnapped during violent raids against their families. The most interesting thing about it was that none of the kids wanted to return to their families. One of them was so upset about being returned that he died within a year from a failure to thrive. The ones who did return were never the same. Many of them couldn’t live indoors, couldn’t sustain relationships or jobs. They were lost, neither European settlers anymore nor Natives.

I don’t now if that happened on the East Coast. I’d be interested to know. My current novel has a Native American theme. It’s actually about current political issues and how some white Americans are so resistant to change, to accepting other races and cultures. I hope my argument is respectful of both sides, which isn’t popular these days, but clear that acceptance is the only way. I believe it’s possible to find self-acceptance and acceptance of others at the same time. I hope it can stand as some kind of amends for the past. That’s my goal.

Filmmaking

I started a new video for my YouTube channel this morning. It’s going to be a ‘day in the life’ video. It’s hard to tell what the footage will look like until I upload it and watch it, so I really don’t know what I’ll come up with in the end. It may be a ‘day in the life’ video or it may not.

Several years ago I made some films that were shown at the Luminaria Art Festival. I had done a ‘day in the life’ video where I did still shots of things like the computer at work (it was huge) and then I used the audio of me using the computer from another clip. So I never was in the video but you could hear me typing, making tea, waking up in the morning, driving. That’s a bit of what I’m going for with this video. 

I woke up to the sound of rain this morning. I get up at 5:30, so it’s always dark, but it was especially dark this morning. The rain added a great mood. I filmed my meditation room, the plants, the sounds of the rain. Afterwards I filmed myself lighting a candle, making tea, making breakfast.

Filming my canvas while I painted may not work out. I had the aperture open too much unfortunately. I may have to redo some things tomorrow. Either way, I filmed myself painting, loading up my palette, mixing colors, cleaning the palette. Again, once all the clips are together I’ll be able to tell if they make a coherent story or not.

I’ve been wanting to work more on my videos for a while. I don’t really want to be in the videos, but I remembered the video I did for Luminaria and it made me think I could do something meditative. I want to chronicle what it’s like being a full-time artist, what it’s like to work from home, and what goes into being an artist. It’s not just standing in front of an easel. 

There are aspects of my life that aren’t, on the surface, art, but nonetheless are part of my artistic journey. Mediation and Yoga are part of my job as an artist. Writing this blog is part of my job as an artist. Writing my novel is part of my job as an artist. I try to make my entire day part of the creative process. Even reading and what I read is part of my job as an artist. All those things contribute to the way I see the world, the way I interpret what’s out there and how I reflect it back for others.

I think of creativity as story telling, whether it’s a written story, a film, a painting, or a blog. It’s all about sharing and expressing from one’s point of view. I sometimes have a hard time choosing a medium. I like to make films, but I also like to write novels and paint pictures. There’s a part of me that would like to make music too. I never pursued that, but right about now I’m wishing I had. It would be great to be able to write something for my videos. Instead, I’m going to use the natural sounds that occur throughout the day as my soundtrack.

I want my stories to have a calming affect. For the past thirty years I’ve wanted a calm, serene life, and it makes sense that my artwork would express that. My hope is to continue making videos as twelve minutes of serenity that people can soak up and enjoy. It’ll take work, but hopefully, the end result will be worth it.

Roaring Fire

I finished my last commission for the time being. Monday I plan to start some new things, but right now I just want to sit back and acknowledge how grateful I am to have had this consistent work over the past seven weeks. It’s been a great boon to my bank account, but it’s also given me an opportunity to work with clients, to set deadlines for myself, and to grow as an artist. Couldn’t ask for more.

Next week my plan is to focus on some paintings of the high school in my neighborhood which is a beloved, historic building. I went on a tour a few weeks ago and realized why people love it so much. It really is a cool place. I took several photos and I plan on painting them in different sizes. There’s a bakery up the street that lets artist hang their work. I think I’ll see if I can hang them there and also offer prints on  Etsy. Hopefully I can get the neighborhood pumped up.

I’ve been doing some color mixing. I took all the blues I have - Thalo, Cobolt, and Ultramarine - and mixed them with the reds I have - Cad Light, Cad Medium, Aliziran, and Quinacranome Magenta. Next week I’ll mix the reds with greens. I’m noticing that the Cad reds mix more brown than purple. Aliziran and Quin mix more purple. In fact, it doesn’t take much blue to get some really beautiful purples. I guess that’s why people spend time mixing. Now I know more.

I’m heading out soon to meet a client for lunch. She’s happy with the dog portrait I did and wants to meet up. Also, it’s Friday, which has me in a good mood. Tomorrow is supposed to be cold and rainy. I’m planning on sitting in front of a roaring fire. Yes, that’s the plan for the entire day. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m going to read books and put my feet up.

Next week is a short week. Wednesday I’m picking up a maple pecan pie from Earl Abel’s and a vegan holiday meal from Green. I’m not vegan, it’s for someone else, but this meal is good. I’ve had it in the past. Their mashed potatoes are some of the best. I guess I could add that eating good food, whether it’s a real turkey or not, puts me in the holiday spirit. The rain doesn’t hurt either. The dark, overcast skies feel cozy to me. Right now we’re pretty socked in. It’s gray and sprinkling a little. I’m going to try and enjoy the things that are working and let go of the things that aren’t. Happy Holidays.

Holiday Spirit

I’ve been listening to Christmas carols. I’ve already admitted it, but I’m going to admit it again. I was wanting to do some things that would help me get in the holiday spirit and even though I’ve always been against Christmas carols and decorations before Thanksgiving, I gave in this year. I’m ok with it. I have three Pandora channels that I listen to: Holiday Hits, Holiday Instrumentals, and Vince Guaraldi Trio (Holiday). 

Right now I’m listening to Holiday Hits. I had a podcast on while I was painting but when I started cleaning up I put on the Holiday Hits. I have to admit, it gives me a little pep in my step. Stevie Wonder’s got my current fave song: What Christmas Means To Me. It makes me happy every time it comes on. I’m also warming up to Ariana Grande’s Santa Tell Me.

I often wonder what Christmas was like before Charles Dickens made it a popular holiday. Before A Christmas Carol, only a few Christians celebrated Christmas. It wasn’t that big of a deal. But after the story came out and was so popular people started celebrating it. And now it’s big business. Now it’s less about Jesus and more about winter break and buying shit. Now it’s not even about that. It’s about decorating your house with bright lights you can see from space and eating meat and cakes.

I used to live up the street from Central Market, San Antonio’s gourmet grocery story. The day before Thanksgiving it’s a circus. I wouldn’t even drive down that street during the holidays when I lived there. It was crazy and annoying. I just can’t accept how many people are on the planet. I wish I could live two hundred years ago without losing modern conveniences. 

Anyways, I’m talking about the holiday spirit. What is it? Trying to feel high for two months? I guess it goes back to childhood. Anticipating dreams coming true in the form of presents. Believing in Santa Clause. Holiday movies like A Charlie Brown Christmas and A Christmas Story. Cookies. Am I just trying to recreate something that’s supposed to die off at some point? Are we all doing that? Is that why you walk into Michael’s to get art supplies in September and there are already Christmas Trees?

I believe there is something about this time of year, the shorter, darker days, the cold temperatures, that triggers some kind of mood. I heard someone the other day say she doesn’t go out of the house after dark, so even if her yoga class starts at 6pm, now that it’s dark at 6, she blows it off. I could relate. I’d rather just sit on the couch under a blanket and read a book than leave the house for yoga. 

Is it hibernation? Is it some kind of retreat from the cold? From the darkness? I heard once that during the long winters they have in the north, people needed a break, and holiday celebrations were it. Was Jesus really born on December 25th? Who knows, and frankly, it does’t really make much difference to me. I think we respond to the climate, the light, and the physical feeling of winter. I think we retreat, retract, and react, and staying home under a blanket is the most soothing thing we can do.

So, in oder to get into the holiday spirit I’m listening to Christmas carols -  holiday hits when I want and emotional lift, holiday instrumentals when I’m sitting under a blanket, reading, and Vince Garaldi Trio when I want something fun but mellow. I’m taking it easy, resting more, allowing myself to stay home when I want to. I’m contributing the holiday get-togethers (I bought a vegan meal for my mom and a maple pecan pie for the family). I’m trying to focus in giving rather than spending. I’m lighting candles when it’s dark. 

Coming Along

I'm happy to share that I did some color mixing this morning. It’s something I’ve been talking about doing but I haven’t motivated until now. I kept it simple. I took Thalo Blue and mixed it with the reds I have: Alizarin Crimson, Qinacridone Magenta, Cadmium Red Medium, and Cadmium Red Light. Quin Mag and Alizarin Crimson made really great purples, but the Cad reds made browns. Good to know.

That’s why I wanted to do this, so that I can understand the colors and how they work together. If I’m painting a subject with a lot of yellow tones, Thalo Blue and either the Quin Mag or the Alizarin Crimson would work great. It would make it easy to mix a purple in order to tone down the yellows. 

I’m inspired to go through all the paint I have, which is quite a bit, and see what mixtures I get. I also have Mars Red but it’s so old I couldn’t get it open. I might work on that tomorrow.

I am looking for inspiration with my painting. Not that I’m bored or restless, but lately I’ve been focused on all these commissions I’ve been doing that I’m looking forward to having some time to play around again. I am extremely grateful for the commissions and I would love to get more, but I also need time to play. It feels like part of the creative process I can’t do without. 

Yesterday, as I was reading the biography of Emily Dickinson, I was amazed at how much I want to write letters. I can remember when I was in high school and college writing letters to friends and family. It was what we did. I miss it. Emily Dickinson’s biographer is telling so much of her story through the letters she wrote. And she exchanged letters with so many people: friends, family, acquaintances. She wrote letters to aunts and cousins and siblings. It just seems like a great way to keep in touch. Much better than emails or text messages.

For years I’ve thought about getting myself a pen pal. I like writing and I like the thought of sitting down at a small table by a window, taking out some stationary, and writing someone a letter. Emily Dickinson had a table in her bedroom where it’s believed she wrote letters and her 1770 poems. I write a lot, but most of what I write is in a notebook or on the computer and I sit on the couch. So, I probably would’t be sitting at a table in front of a window like in my fantasy, but still, It’s fun to dream.

Tomorrow I’m meeting another client for lunch. This one is a family member. I’m looking forward to it. She already has the painting but has’t paid me yet, so it will be nice to meet with a happy, satisfied client and get paid. That’s a nice perk for mid-week.

I finished a house portrait this morning. I’ll give it few days to dry before I tell the client. This client commissioned two house paintings, one of his house and one of a friend's. Hopefully I’ll deliver them by Monday. It’s been a great month. I feel so blessed to be able to paint for a living. I’m still a work in progress, my business is still a work in progress, but it’s coming along, and that feels great. 

American History

When I start a painting I first draw out the image - a house with trees and other landscaping, or a dog, or a building - then I block in the colors of each object. This gives me the general idea of what I’m creating. That phase is hard to live with. All I want is for it to dry, or to have the time to work on it again so I can add the details. This morning I worked on a house portrait I’ve been staring at all weekend and I feel a lot of relief. It is beginning to take shape and I’m hoping a few more sits and it’ll be done.

I spent a lot of time reading this weekend. I met with a friend who is also a client on Saturday. We had lunch and I gave her the dog portrait I did. It’s for her daughter for her birthday and I think my client was really happy. That makes me happy. After lunch I went to the library and picked up some books. One of them is a biography of Emily Dickinson. 

It never dawned on me that I was going to be reading about something similar to the history book on Concord, Massachusetts I just finished. Emily Dickinson was almost the same age as Louisa May Alcott and lived 74 miles away in Amherst, MA. Her father and grandfather were the same age as the folks in Concord that were written about in Transcendentalists and Their World. But they were very different families.

Emily Dickinson’s grandfather started Amherst College and built the house she grew up in and lived in until her death. He was a Trinitarian, which were puritanical Christians back in the 19th century. Trinitarians started Yale and Dartmouth as schools to educate conservative ministers. Ralph Waldo Emerson on the other hand was educated at Harvard to be a more moderate minister, but he left the church because he felt it too confining. Henry David Thoreau also graduated from Harvard.

Emily Dickinson’s family were members of the Whig party and the Transcendentalists were Republicans. The Dickinsons were lawyers and highly dysfunctional, while the Emersons and Thoreaus, if they voted, were Republicans and seem to be emotionally stable. The Transcendentalists had more self-awareness while the Dickinsons were hard-driving and suffered from anxiety.

So, it seems unlikely that the families knew each other. Emily Dickinson had friends and cousins who probably knew Louisa May Alcott but most of what I found on google say that the two women did not meet. 

I’m excited to learn more about people who lived during that time period. I think I may be developing an interest in American History. I’m also reading The Last of the Mohicans which is set during the French Indian War that took place in the 1750’s. It amazes me how much has changed, but more so, how much is exactly the same. As an artist I want to learn about other artists that lived throughout American history. It makes me feel connected.

Light Reading

I finished a house portrait this morning. I spent some time the other day remodeling my website and I think I’m going to regret not putting this house portrait on there. I’ve got a second one for the same client which  should be done by Wednesday. They’re due the 21st so I’ll have enough time to finish and let them dry before delivery. 

Although I’d like to get more commissions I’d also like some time to work on some stuff of my own. I went to an open house last Saturday of the high school near my house, which is an historic building. It’s pretty incredible looking. I took some photos that I want to paint, so when I finish my last commission, which is due by December 6th, I’m going to focus on them. Hopefully some local alumni will want to buy them. Either way, I am passionate about historic buildings myself, so it will be fun for me to paint it.

Yesterday I watched Little Women with Winona Ryder and Susan Sarandon. It’s a beautifully done movie but I got ticked off a few times when they put stuff in that wasn’t in the book. I guess that’s par for the course. I’m definitely not as much of a movie fan as I am a bibliophile, but this was well done. I can see why people watch it every year during the holidays. 

I’ve got the newer version, directed by Greta Gerwig on hold at the library. I saw it when it came out and at the time I was impressed, but I hadn’t read the book yet. I know they changed up the storyline, so I may freak out even more than I did with the 2000 version.

I am still on a Concord, Massachusetts kick. I finished my 600 page history book the other day. It was hard to get through, being a history book and not a narrative, but it got me thinking about a lot of things. Mainly that life doesn’t change much. Ralph Waldo Emerson lamented about the new train. Apparently, it barreled into town several times a day like a tank and the whistle ruined his morning reveries. Change can be a double edged sword. It got him to Boston in an hour instead of five by carriage, but it had its drawbacks.

I also noticed that having three political parties instead of two really didn’t make much of a difference. If anything it added to the confusion. They had the Whig party along with Democrats, and Republicans and they fought relentlessly. 

From 1790 to 1850, the citizens of Concord, MA debated and argued over religion (fundamentalism vs. reform), politics, economics, industry, technological changes, how to educate children, and what to do about alcoholism, among other things. Women and free slaves had little power, if any, and many people were passionate about respect for its citizens. At times I felt like I was reading about current events.

Along with the history book, Transcendentalists and their World, I read Nature, Emersons essay that kicked off the Transcendentalist movement. I read Little Women, written by Louisa May Alcott, the daughter, of Transcendentalist, Bronson Alcott. I’m also reading a book called The Dharma Bum’s Guide to Western Literature: Finding Nirvana in the Classics by Dean Sluyter. In it he discusses writings by both Emerson and Thoreau and compares Transcendentalism to Eastern religion and philosophy. He even calls Thoreau the first American Yogi. 

Walden is next on my to-read list. I put it on hold at the library along with a biography of Emily Dickinson and The Last of the Mohicans. When I set out to read about Transcendentalism I wasn’t expecting it to feel so relatable. I think that’s why I’m so fascinated with the 19th century in general. Maybe I can use history to help make sense of today. And maybe some movement like Transcendentalism is on the horizon.

Making It, Day By Day

I made some good progress with my latest house portrait this morning. Yesterday I was scrolling through IG (not always a waste of time) and saw a photo of a John Singer Sergeant painting. The artist who posted it pointed out the details in it and mentioned that Sergeant mixed each color separately on the palette. Since I didn’t study art much in college (I was an art major when I first went to college but switched, a lot) I missed out on little things like that. It helped, and today I played around with my new knowledge. 

There’s nothing like looking at a really good painter’s work to get inspired. I could have studied that painting all afternoon, just soaking up the richness of it. He definitely was a master. I’m a big fan of Thomas Eakins too, but Sergeant just couldn’t miss. If you like realism he’s one of the best. When I see great work it makes me want to be a better painter. I think I’ve lost sight of that lately. I’ve been thinking of myself as a worker bee these days, doing commissions, forgetting how important inspiration is.

And improving matters too. Color mixing is like drawing for painters. It’s something that helps improve your work and should be practiced regularly, like athletes practice drills. But it’s been a hard one for me to incorporate into my daily routine. I practice drawing quite a bit, but not color mixing. But I intend to. It’s on my agenda.

There’s a part of me that wants to be good, that just wants to get to a place where I’m a ‘good painter’. But life has taught me that things don’t work like that. I spent 15, 20 years devouring self-help books and memoirs, wanting to ‘get there’. I wanted what the authors seemed to have. I wanted to ‘make it’ instead of being someone who’s making it day by day. 

That was big wake up call for me. I’ll always be making it, day by day. All those self-help books and memoirs about people who used to suffer but no longer are are unrealistic. No one ‘makes it’ and then coasts through the rest of life. That would be boring.

Wanting to be someone who’s made it was also about wanting status and superiority. I didn’t want to be in the thick of it with all the normal people. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be above it all. But I’ve learned that even if you’re great you can still get better. I learned that watching a documentary about the band Rush. The drummer, John Rutsey, who was one of the best, still wanted to get better, and after a career as a drummer in a successful band, began studying percussion with a well known teacher. Everyone thought he was crazy but he still wanted to grow.

I don’t know if I’m a good painter, but I do know that I spend just about every day doing it. I’ve been studying it formally and informally for 17 years. I’ve clocked many hours watching demos and I spent many years in school taking art classes. What I’ve come to believe is that by spending time doing things regularly I’m moving into that future, and as I do, I’ll improve. It’s what happens. I may not to be able to get 10k per commission today, but who knows what will happen in the future. And maybe I don’t need 10k a commission, maybe painting will lead something I can’t even fathom.

Being Present

I listened to a great podcast this morning. It was an interview of a group of guys who, twenty years ago, started teaching yoga and meditation to underserved youth in Baltimore, Maryland. It was a pretty inspiring story. They worked with kids that were extremely misbehaved and had a hard time sitting still or getting along in class. But with the help of relaxation and body awareness these kids were able to return to class focused and ready to work.

One of the more touching stories I heard was how a lot of the kids would fall asleep. At the end of yoga when they did Savasana, which is a resting pose where you lie on your back, the kids would fall asleep because those were some of the only quiet and peaceful moments they had in the day.

I feel as if my adult life has been an attempt to reconnect with my executive function. When I look back on my life, around 10 years old is when I first notice an inability to concentrate at school. I was lost. I would sit in class and then feel ashamed and embarrassed later when kids would talk about what the teacher had said. I would miss assignments because I was off in another world. I just didn’t have the ability to be present, conscious, or aware.

So listening to these guys talk about bringing these practices into the schools and how it helped give the kids a second shot at life and at success really touched me. At one point they went to the school administrators to get the list of suspensions. They were filling out a grant proposal and wanted to show how the number of suspensions had gone down. They didn’t realize though that there were no suspensions that semester. None. The work they were doing with the kids was that effective.

It amazes me how many people out there are struggling with restlessness, irritability, and discontentment. So many people struggle to pay attention, to focus, and to be present to their own lives. It’s heartbreaking, only, in a lot of cases, you don’t know why. You’ve been out-to-lunch for so long it just seems normal, but deep down you ache for something you can’t name.

Perhaps that’s at the root of seeking spiritual fulfillment. Perhaps those who are seeking something more meaningful are looking for the ability to be here now, to be aware of their bodies and emotions so they know they’re alive.

So often I think what I want from my life is ‘out there’, some kind of accomplishment or material possession. But when I examine that desire I usually find that wanting the physical manifestation is really about status, fitting in, and getting approval. Sure it would be great to do great things, but if I’m doing it because I want to control how other people see me I’m going to end up being disappointed.

In the end I seem to always come back to my one true desire: connection. I want to be aware, present, in-the-moment, alive. I want to feel connected to my inner-guidance. I want to know I’m here, and the way I know I’m here is by being present. I have found that to be the antidote to feeling restless, irritable, and discontent.

Staying Healthy

The Polegreen Church commission is packed and ready to go to the post office. When I took a last look at it this morning I realized I like it. It’s different but I think it captures the essence of Christmas. The client is getting married there in December so that was the intention. 

I primed three 11x14 boards today for the house portraits. Two are commissions from my acupuncturist (he and his husband’s home and a friend’s home a few blocks away) and the third is a commission from a neighbor who lives around the corner. My neighbor’s house is one I walk by all the time, so it’s cool to get to paint it.

Don’t tell anyone but I’m listening to Holiday Instrumentals. I know, I know. It’s actually nice. The instrumentals are quiet and relaxing and they give a hint of the holidays. I couldn’t handle Holiday Hits right now. That was actually the station I hit first and it was Mariah Carey. I’m not ready for that. It needs to be December before I can get, “Ohhh, I… don’t want a lot for…” No. Too early in the season. I like Vince Guaraldi station too. It’ll get played a lot.

I heard something yesterday that I liked. It was about fear and anxiety. A woman said, “If it’s not going to kill you in the next two minutes it’s not a real fear.” This morning, when I first woke up, I immediately started to feel anxious. I think it was just momentum from the week I’ve had. I have gone through everything going on in my life right now and there’s nothing to be afraid or worried about. Life is good. Yes, there are things that are weighing on me, but life is good. So I asked myself this morning, “Is this going to kill you in the next two minutes?” It kind of made me laugh because there I was snug in bed listening to the rain. The answer was No.

I felt the tension leave my body and it was such a relief. I’ve lived with a lot of fear and anxiety over the years and sometimes there’s just no rhyme or reason for it. I think when I get upset, the thoughts can build on themselves and then the emotions build too. That momentum can be hard to let go of once it gets going. So when I ask myself what’s bothering me and I can’t find an answer I assume it’s just momentum that still wants to move and do its thing. 

The two things that get my anxiety going are money and my health. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I am getting better about money but my health still gets me. I’m trying to rethink my relationship with my body. My mentor said to me last night, “We’re not getting any younger.” And I realized that if I want a life of ease and serenity then I’m going to have to rethink my ideas and beliefs about my body and my health. A lot pf people have health crisis. A lot of people get hysterectomies when they get older. A lot of people need CAT scans and MRI’s just to make sure that growths are not malignant. And a lot of people get cancer and survive it.

As a healthy adult, I’d like to think that I’m less afraid of dying than of being sick. It’s easy to say now, when I’m sitting here without any acute health problems, I realize that, but what really upsets me, what I scare myself over, is the thought of having to make choices I don’t want to make. Do you battle cancer with chemo and radiation? Do you find another approach? Do you have a hysterectomy? Or continue struggling with the symptoms and look for an alternative? I don’t terrorize myself over thoughts of dying. It saddens me to think about it, but it doesn’t scare me.

So what I’ve been trying to do the past few days is ease the thoughts I have about getting sick, about needing a doctor to either prescribe some crazy big-pharma medication with a million side effects or get surgery. I don’t want to live in fear of tough choices. I have friends and lean on. I have a support network. I have tools to help me take positive action. People go through health crisis and survive. They move on. They accept their fate and sometimes even benefit from treatment. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

It’s kind of like letting go of outcomes. I do a lot to stay healthy. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I eat well. I exercise regularly. I work with a chiropractor and an acupuncturist. I go to a conventional doctor every year for check ups. I’m not irresponsible. But at the same time, I can’t control what happens. I can’t keep myself from getting sick. I can just do my best at staying healthy.

Embracing the Dark

I finished the portrait of the dogs I started Tuesday. It didn’t take me long. I will sit with it over the weekend to make sure I’m satisfied before I contact the client, but I think it’s done. Later I’ll go take photos of the houses I’m painting so I can get them started even though the weather is dark and dreary. I don’t know if I should paint someone’s house on an overcast day. Would they like that? It’s a tough call. If the painting is done in the winter, or late fall, it would make sense. 

I’m feeling much better today. I got a good nights sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed. I’m sitting with the front door open. It’s dark out but it’s nice. It’s humid, probably in the 70’s. I think it’s supposed to rain tonight. It feels like fall. It feels like Halloween, even though Halloween has come and gone. 

I was going to think of things I could do to get in the holiday spirit this year. I was burning a candle in the mornings but I seem to have forgotten lately. I guess it’s easier to remember when it’s cold. Not that I would ever pray for cold weather, but sometimes it’s nice. I like it just like this. Warm enough for a t-shirt but cool enough that I can have to door open.

People complain a lot about holiday decorations and music. I have been one of them. I want to know what the spirit of the holidays is about. I know the carols and the wreaths and all that. I know the gift giving, the trips to the mall, the ordering on-line. That all seems to be the spirit of commercialism and capitalism. But what’s the spirit of the holidays?

Why do we do this? Halloween was originally All Hallow’s Eve, or All Saints Day Eve. It marked the beginning of the winter season for the Celts of England and Ireland. They believed that those who had died returned to their homes, so the Celts built bonfires and dressed as their ancestors in order to help lead the way. Then, on the third day, they celebrated All Soul’s Day. 

Like a lot of people Halloween is my favorite holiday, but it too has been turned into something that hardly feels special. It’s all about dressing provocatively and shockingly as opposed to dressing as an alter-ego or an ancestor. People don’t seem to dig deep in order to express something personal. It doesn’t seem like we dig deep for anything these days. It’s too painful for most people.

Thanksgiving was a celebration between the Pilgrims and Wampanoag after the Pilgrim’s first successful harvest. There’s something about the celebration of harvest that warms me. It was a celebration of success, of the grueling journey that is tilling the soil, planting seeds, and nurturing a crop of food that will sustain the life of an individual, family, and community. That seems like something to celebrate.

And Christmas originated as both a Roman and Pagan celebration. They celebrated Saturn, who was seen as the God of agriculture, and the birth of Mithra, the Sun God. The sun vanishes in the Northern hemisphere for three days before it begins to rise again, signifying a new beginning. That definitely seems like something to honor with a celebration. 

I guess I’d like to honor the changing of the seasons, the dying leaves, and the shorter days, the overcast skies. I’d like to celebrate the darkness, especially the warmth we create to help get us through. There’s something equally eerie and intriguing about the dark. As a young adult I was drawn to melancholy music and movies. I was trying to get used to pain and suffering and that helped. Maybe that’s how I’ll get in the holiday spirit. Maybe I need some Vince Guaraldi Trio and some Film Noir.

Letting Go of My Health

What do you do when you think a client doesn’t like a painting? Ugh. It’s a horrible feeling. But we talked through text so maybe I’m being hard on myself? She said it was cute, but I was hoping for, “I love it!!” She gave me her address and I will pack it up and send it once it dries. 

I showed the painting to a friend who’s a docent at a local museum. She likes the painting and thinks it’s surreal. So maybe not all is lost. It was definitely a tough painting for me to do. I’m not very experienced with nocturnes and this gave me a run for my money. My client commissioned the painting for her fiancé, so maybe he’ll love it.

Yesterday was a very stressful day. While I was having that exchange with my client I was also trying to sign up for health insurance through the marketplace. Apparently, there are no affordable insurance plans that have my current doctor in network. Do you think they do that on purpose? I’ve been on Obamacare since it started and it seems as if every few years I have to get a new doctor because of that.

Needless to say yesterday was an upsetting day. My health is wonky (I just turned 50), I may have to find a new doctor or cough up dough I don’t have, and my client didn’t react the way I hoped to the painting I did for them. I’m still a little stressed over it but ironically I was just writing about spirituality. Was it yesterday? I don’t remember but I guess right about now I could use some of that advice.

I’ve turned a lot of things over to my Higher Power. I’ve let go and let great spirit, God, the benevolent energy of the Universe, whatever, with positive results. So maybe it’s time to turn my body over. Maybe it’s time to stop believing I need to control this sack of fluid and flesh I’m in. I mean, eventually I’m going to die. It doesn’t come with me. 

I don’t know when I first heard that I need to take care of my health. I guess it was growing up taking sports or even just going to gym class or PE. Part of the school curriculum was health and staying healthy. Then I heard doctors or journalists saying things about what to eat, how much to exercise, how much sleep to get in order to live a long healthy life and that’s what I did. I did it all to the ’T’.

But now I’m getting older. Things are not working. My knuckles are swelling and my joints are stiff. My eyes are getting worse. My back hurts. Menopause is a constant worry. Am I going to go through it without too many trials and tribulations? I would give anything to slide into it without another thought about it. But I don’t have control over it. I can’t control my body and that hurts. After all I’ve done to stay healthy, it hurts to realize that there’s only so much you can do.

I’m turning my body over to a Higher Power. I’m letting go of needing to control my health. That does’t mean I’m going to stop exercising or eating well. I do those things now just because they feel good. But I am going to stop stressing and worrying. I’m going to stop panicking and going down that rabbit hole of wondering if I need to go to a doctor for every little ache and pain, every little change that happens. It’s easier said than done, but I get a sense that it is what would bring me the most serenity now, and I could really use that.

Caution to the Wind

Happy Birthday to me. Well, happy belated birthday to me. Yesterday was my b-day and I went out to breakfast and ate too many pumpkin pancakes. It was good day, although I’m still trying to process being 50. I don’t feel 50 at all. I feel like I’m in my late 30’s, to be honest. But my body knows I’m 50. Yes, my body knows I’m 50.

This morning I worked (and finished) the church commission. I will post a photo of it once the client has seen it. I’m happy with it. It’s not what I imagined it was going to look like in the end but they never are. This was more surprising because I didn’t have a good reference photo. I did a lot of playing around which was fun and I’m looking forward to seeing what the client thinks.

I also started a new dog portrait. It’s a portrait of two dogs together sitting in front of a window. I think it’s going to be fun to paint because it’s back lit. I always like the drama. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about spirituality. More so than usual. I had a thought the other day about all the things I think I’d like to do - places I’d like to visit, achievements I’d like to pursue (and manifest) - but then it hit me that when I let all that go and focus instead on feeling present and aware those things work out the way they’re meant to. When I get out of the way, my desires work out on their own. 

There was a time when I started focusing on spirituality because I was trying to find peace. I was stressed about all the things I was trying to do and make happen in my life and I needed help. I was going to find tools to feel more at ease and then make the stuff happen that I wanted to see happen. But I started to enjoy the tools. I started to prefer focusing on the tools instead of the things I thought I wanted and needed. 

I guess it’s priorities. I stopped feeling like I needed material things and material manifestations in order to be happy. I stopped wanting to prove myself, stopped wanting to control how others see me. Focusing on stillness, or on awareness, seemed to make the day-to-day relationships and circumstances work out better. 

When I was growing up I went to a school that was competitive and challenging. It was for parents who wanted their kids to be high achievers. But achieving wasn’t something I did well. I wanted to, but it seemed like the harder I tried the harder I failed. When I threw caution to the wind, however, things seemed to go my way. What I realize now is that I was living along spiritual principles without knowing it. I was letting go and letting God, as they say, and the desired outcomes were manifesting, sometimes even better than I had imagined.

It’s not not caring. It’s focusing on what I can and letting go of the struggle. As a teenager I thought throwing caution to the wind was irresponsible, so I never really appreciated it when things worked out that way. It was driven in to my head that one had to struggle, dig deep, and work hard to be worthy of their achievements. I wish I could go back and recognize the depth and breath of what I was accomplishing back then, the role spirituality was already playing in my life.

Nighttime Values

I think my church commission painting is almost done. I’m going to look at it over the weekend and then decide what else, if anything, I want to do to it. 

It always amazes me how different my vision is when I start a painting from the final product. It’s not bad, it’s just different. I think I still imagine I’m a photographer and not a painter. This painting is a lot warmer than I originally intended. The sky is cool, but the ground is warm. I did that because there are lights strung along the structure of the church. The effect it has is right, but not what I was expecting. 

Yesterday I got two new ‘house portrait’ commissions. Both houses are in the Monte Vista neighborhood which is full of beautiful, historic homes. I’m looking forward to starting them. I think I’ve found my niche. I want to paint all the historic homes in San Antonio. I would love it if everyone wanted an Alston Cox ‘house portrait’. 

I used to love to do home tours. When I was driving around yesterday I was remembering some houses that I toured several years ago. One of them I remember specifically because there was an original Picasso hanging in it. 

When I walk through my neighborhood I’m always looking at people’s houses. I like to get ideas for the front yard, see how people decorate, what colors they choose. It’s a bit of an obsession. A few weeks ago I was walking and gawking and someone in their home took a second look at me through the window. My heart jump, fearing they’d come yell that I was Peeping Tom or something. 

I’m not a perv, I swear. I’m just drawn to eye candy. I like to look. I used to subscribe to home decor magazines and take drives through cool neighborhoods to lift my spirits and give myself some inspiration. I often wondered if I should have been an architect or designer or something.

Maybe I can put some of that passion into painting homes. Painting their portraits. I had a friend of mine drive me around a few years ago so I could take photos of people’s homes with Christmas lights up. I imagined myself doing nocturnes but none of the photos turned out well. Plus, back then I didn’t really know what I was doing. I hadn’t discovered all the artists teaching online yet and was overwhelmed at the thought of nocturnes. I’m still figuring out how to create daytime values, much less nighttime.

Spiritual Paths

I just listened to a podcast interview of a writer named Dean Sluyter. He has a book called The Dharma Bum’s Guide to Western Literature. After teaching English at a New Jersey prep school for thirty years and spending his summers traveling and studying Buddhism, he decided to write a book about the spiritual messages he sees in the classics. Sounds like a book I need to read.

They talked about The Catcher in the Rye and Huckleberry Finn, two of my favorite books. Apparently, Sluyter sees Huck Finn as taking the ‘middle way’, the river, between two paths he doesn’t want: the old lady who wants to adopt him and his violent father. 

I feel as if the books I’ve written are about characters applying spiritual principles to the struggles they face. I actually wouldn’t know what else to write about. More than a writer or a painter I feel like a seeker. What began with questions like, Who am I? Why am I here? What’s the meaning of all this? I now find myself simply asking, What’s Your will?

I don’t remember where I read it, and I’ve never been able to find it since, but in my twenties I remember reading that the last level of childhood development is spiritual. When we get into our twenties, or late adolescence, we start wondering who we are and what our purpose is. That may not be that big of a deal toady, but back in the 90’s it was. No one was talking about spirituality and mental health back then.

I’ve always found it easier to learn about spirituality through modern parables. Although I’ve read the Bible, and I’ve even read books about the Buddha, I don’t get it. It’s not stuff I can relate to. But if you talk about say, Huck Finn taking the ‘middle way’, I’m going to jump out of my skin. That’s one of the coolest things I’ve heard in a long time.

Much of my spiritual life these days revolves around asking and listening. Prayer and meditation. Asking, What’s in my way? may lead to me noticing a character defect. Currently I’m seeing how I ‘play dead’. I go into a state of paralysis or despondency, unable to cope with a situation or take responsibility for it. I’ve done it since I was a kid. As an adult, through contemplation, I’ve realized that I play dead because when I was a child my mom would get frustrated and fix it. I still use an outdated behavior not realizing why. Not realizing that no one’s fixing it.

Spirituality for me isn’t so much conceptual as it is practical. The answers lie within. Through asking for guidance and patiently listening for it, I can get help navigating life.